You were never suppose to be anything more than just a stranger, and yet somehow you became my friend. I recall the countless hours we spent texting each other, it was our only form of communication. I recall the excitement of you setting up Skype, and how we both were so desperate to hear each others voices. That evening when you made your first voice call, hearing your voice, my heart smiled.
We couldn't wait to speak to each other. I looked forward to the moment you would pick up the call and hear your voice. I would lay across my bed with my head next to my laptop and just soak in every single minute. I remember the first time I turned on my webcam, our awkward conversations since you didn't have a cam at the time. The way I would tease you about staring at me every time you went silent. "I am not!" you would playfully exclaim, although I still think you were guilty of it a time or two. And then, a picture came through on Thanksgiving Day 2013. You had purchased a webcam, I would finally get to see the guy who at I had fallen for.
Our first 'real' video chat. The familiar black screen faded away as you came to life right before my eyes. No longer having to settle for pictures, I could see you blink, breath, and smile at me. And within me, the thought that first came to me was a voice, telling me I was looking at my future.
Eventually I spoke the words I had been meaning to tell you for a long time, I love you. Yes over the course of our relationship I truly, genuinely loved you. We grew together, we got comfortable with each other. We found a level of trust that I don't think either of us had known before. We were the ideal couple, in a less than ideal situation. I often secretly got excited over the idea of having a life with you. It was the picturesque "happily ever after" that I guess we all want. To one day not be thousands of miles away, to have a little place of our own, to take your last name, to raise a family. Planning for a future, for a life that seemed to me so uncertain. Money, visas, distance and time, it all became too much for me. The daily heartbreak of never being any closer to having our first visit. And then, something within me had shifted and I started to feel incredibly lonely. I know longer felt part of a relationship, I felt single and as though I was on the outside wishing I could get back in, but not having a clue as how to make that happen.
And here we are, heartbroken and torn apart. Here I am, sat in bed in the middle of the day, regretting my decision. Hating myself for not being strong enough, for not being able to handle the time and distance, for walking away from the guy I thought would likely be my husband. Here I am, wondering if I'll ever have another chance at this, thinking to myself that if love ever gives me another try I'll run as far as can. Here I am checking my phone every few minutes hoping to see you've read my text, and feeling as though you've dropped off the face of the earth.
Here I am....without out.
We couldn't wait to speak to each other. I looked forward to the moment you would pick up the call and hear your voice. I would lay across my bed with my head next to my laptop and just soak in every single minute. I remember the first time I turned on my webcam, our awkward conversations since you didn't have a cam at the time. The way I would tease you about staring at me every time you went silent. "I am not!" you would playfully exclaim, although I still think you were guilty of it a time or two. And then, a picture came through on Thanksgiving Day 2013. You had purchased a webcam, I would finally get to see the guy who at I had fallen for.
Our first 'real' video chat. The familiar black screen faded away as you came to life right before my eyes. No longer having to settle for pictures, I could see you blink, breath, and smile at me. And within me, the thought that first came to me was a voice, telling me I was looking at my future.
Eventually I spoke the words I had been meaning to tell you for a long time, I love you. Yes over the course of our relationship I truly, genuinely loved you. We grew together, we got comfortable with each other. We found a level of trust that I don't think either of us had known before. We were the ideal couple, in a less than ideal situation. I often secretly got excited over the idea of having a life with you. It was the picturesque "happily ever after" that I guess we all want. To one day not be thousands of miles away, to have a little place of our own, to take your last name, to raise a family. Planning for a future, for a life that seemed to me so uncertain. Money, visas, distance and time, it all became too much for me. The daily heartbreak of never being any closer to having our first visit. And then, something within me had shifted and I started to feel incredibly lonely. I know longer felt part of a relationship, I felt single and as though I was on the outside wishing I could get back in, but not having a clue as how to make that happen.
And here we are, heartbroken and torn apart. Here I am, sat in bed in the middle of the day, regretting my decision. Hating myself for not being strong enough, for not being able to handle the time and distance, for walking away from the guy I thought would likely be my husband. Here I am, wondering if I'll ever have another chance at this, thinking to myself that if love ever gives me another try I'll run as far as can. Here I am checking my phone every few minutes hoping to see you've read my text, and feeling as though you've dropped off the face of the earth.
Here I am....without out.