**TW: depression and associated stuff. also a bit of a vent.
I got out of a toxic relationship that ended a year after I moved to Boston. It was a nasty ending and a prolonged one. But I smartened up and ditched him for good. I told myself that I would never, ever, EVER do that to myself again. I've dated fairly frequently since but nothing stuck.
Guess you guys should get the backstory here. The guy and I met when I was just 16, through a mutual acquaintance. It started out as a FWB type of thing that took on a life of its own. We have been off and on since then but never quite single enough or in the right headspace to give This a chance. Three years ago, when I was 23, we decided that we would just be friends because it was all we could apparently manage. Fast forward.
Here I am, turning 26 on Saturday, back in another one of these. With the guy. The universe must have lined up properly or something because we decided to give This a shot. Unofficially we've been involved since last October. I didn't want to date until I was done with school and he wanted to make sure he was over his ex. That was good because it forced us to take it slow. One step at a time. Come Christmas my depression (I'm Bipolar) hit. I tanked. Then we got hit with that series of blizzards that froze us all so I couldn't get into an office to get the right meds and it dragged me even deeper. Couldn't get to class, couldn't do my work, nothing. It was literally all I could do to function. I lost 40 pounds in five months. He shouldered that and got me through this winter.
I missed half the term, barely passed, managed to scrape together enough to get me to pass my classes. He has been here through all of this. He's known about my mood issues before I was even diagnosed, because I was diagnosed at 18. He has been here through all of this, every freaking step. This has been the worst episode I've ever experienced. Apparently there were times he honestly thought I might try and kill myself. He made sure I ate, even if it was just a clif bar. He was constantly texting me throughout the day and skyping with me at night. He talked to me when I was in the darkroom. He made sure I survived. Part of this was him trying to figure out if he was capable of handling me at my lowest point. I'm better-ish now and I graduated school and we got all official. Depression hasn't let up entirely but it's enough that I can function.
And here we are. Nearly a year into whatever This is. We may not have been officially a couple but neither of us was seeing anybody else or wanted to. I miss him so much it hurts. This is exactly why I said I would never do this again. But here I am. We go three weeks between visits because I've been traveling and looking for jobs and he's been working like a dog. We're both determined to make this work and we're looking to close the gap in the next two and something years. We both see this as Endgame. He's the person I want to spend forever with and I know he feels the same. It seems so absolutely crazy to us that we somehow fell this much in love over the last ten years. I moved to South Carolina for a little bit to try out traditional college at 19 (I failed out and was home by Christmas) and he told me later that my leaving devastated him. My leaving for Boston was also hard for him.
I can't imagine seeing life with anybody else. I'm trying to cope with these ridiculous feelings I have when I see my two closest friends together. They're dating and living together and it just seems a little unfair. I'm so jealous of them...but then I have to remind myself that I put myself here. That I thought he was worth all of this. I look at the photos of us, even that stupid little photo booth strip I keep in my wallet, the one I had us do the last time we saw each other. I have all the tickets we've done on our dates pinned up on my 'things to remember to live for' board, right next to photos of my family and friends and right above my dog's crate.
The guy and I have some SERIOUS compromises to make before we even consider closing the gap. I guess I'm scared that this won't work and I'll be left totally heartbroken and alone. And he sees right through me. He can see all this fear and he tries to reassure me. I have no idea how he does it, somehow I'm an open book to him. But fair is fair, I guess, because I can read him like that just as easily.
Cross your fingers for me, guys. I'm gonna need all the luck I can get.
I got out of a toxic relationship that ended a year after I moved to Boston. It was a nasty ending and a prolonged one. But I smartened up and ditched him for good. I told myself that I would never, ever, EVER do that to myself again. I've dated fairly frequently since but nothing stuck.
Guess you guys should get the backstory here. The guy and I met when I was just 16, through a mutual acquaintance. It started out as a FWB type of thing that took on a life of its own. We have been off and on since then but never quite single enough or in the right headspace to give This a chance. Three years ago, when I was 23, we decided that we would just be friends because it was all we could apparently manage. Fast forward.
Here I am, turning 26 on Saturday, back in another one of these. With the guy. The universe must have lined up properly or something because we decided to give This a shot. Unofficially we've been involved since last October. I didn't want to date until I was done with school and he wanted to make sure he was over his ex. That was good because it forced us to take it slow. One step at a time. Come Christmas my depression (I'm Bipolar) hit. I tanked. Then we got hit with that series of blizzards that froze us all so I couldn't get into an office to get the right meds and it dragged me even deeper. Couldn't get to class, couldn't do my work, nothing. It was literally all I could do to function. I lost 40 pounds in five months. He shouldered that and got me through this winter.
I missed half the term, barely passed, managed to scrape together enough to get me to pass my classes. He has been here through all of this. He's known about my mood issues before I was even diagnosed, because I was diagnosed at 18. He has been here through all of this, every freaking step. This has been the worst episode I've ever experienced. Apparently there were times he honestly thought I might try and kill myself. He made sure I ate, even if it was just a clif bar. He was constantly texting me throughout the day and skyping with me at night. He talked to me when I was in the darkroom. He made sure I survived. Part of this was him trying to figure out if he was capable of handling me at my lowest point. I'm better-ish now and I graduated school and we got all official. Depression hasn't let up entirely but it's enough that I can function.
And here we are. Nearly a year into whatever This is. We may not have been officially a couple but neither of us was seeing anybody else or wanted to. I miss him so much it hurts. This is exactly why I said I would never do this again. But here I am. We go three weeks between visits because I've been traveling and looking for jobs and he's been working like a dog. We're both determined to make this work and we're looking to close the gap in the next two and something years. We both see this as Endgame. He's the person I want to spend forever with and I know he feels the same. It seems so absolutely crazy to us that we somehow fell this much in love over the last ten years. I moved to South Carolina for a little bit to try out traditional college at 19 (I failed out and was home by Christmas) and he told me later that my leaving devastated him. My leaving for Boston was also hard for him.
I can't imagine seeing life with anybody else. I'm trying to cope with these ridiculous feelings I have when I see my two closest friends together. They're dating and living together and it just seems a little unfair. I'm so jealous of them...but then I have to remind myself that I put myself here. That I thought he was worth all of this. I look at the photos of us, even that stupid little photo booth strip I keep in my wallet, the one I had us do the last time we saw each other. I have all the tickets we've done on our dates pinned up on my 'things to remember to live for' board, right next to photos of my family and friends and right above my dog's crate.
The guy and I have some SERIOUS compromises to make before we even consider closing the gap. I guess I'm scared that this won't work and I'll be left totally heartbroken and alone. And he sees right through me. He can see all this fear and he tries to reassure me. I have no idea how he does it, somehow I'm an open book to him. But fair is fair, I guess, because I can read him like that just as easily.
Cross your fingers for me, guys. I'm gonna need all the luck I can get.