At 45, I've lived a thousand lives and had many experiences, both good and bad, like anyone. Here's a recent 'thing' I wrote, inspired by talks with my SO from across the miles. I love that we're both on the same page as this. You may or may not agree with all my views, but I hope some of you find comfort in it.
I’m young to some and old to others. I’ve done the ‘love thang’ on and off since I was a kid. From major crushes, to all kinds of ‘firsts’. Several long, live-in relationships, one marriage and have broken far more hearts than have had mine broken. (breaking hearts pained me so much more than having mine broken).
I’ve redefined what ‘love is’ over the years, and interpreted it slightly differently every time. I used to believe in a ‘soul mate’, and a ‘one true love’. I used to feel so sure that I was ‘done’ and decided that what I had at the time was ‘IT’. I was always happiest in a longer, committed relationship, and when I didn’t have that, I enjoyed my promiscuity.
So now I’m 45, and I consider myself very stable, strong and secure, after years of not being that at all. A while back, I found myself absolutely crushed by a relationship. For a while, it destroyed me. I was crushed, broken, hurt, angry, confused and sad. I was no longer the stable, strong and secure person I’d convinced myself I was, and THAT upset me even MORE! At first, I was in absolute denial and tried to wait things out. Completely convinced that things would change. I was medicated, which made me numb. And that’s when I realized that this was all wrong. It took all my courage to realize that going through this intolerable pain, was exactly what I needed to do, to figure things out and get through it. I stopped meds right away and went back to feeling the pain. This time, with a conscious mission.
Long story short, it took me several months of allowing the pain in and deciding to work through it, talking my feelings through with a friend, hitting MORE rock bottom and resurfacing, to realize MANY things!
1) Not only was my pain NOT only about the heartbreak – it was barely about the heartbreak at all! In the 12 months prior, I’d gone through 8 out of 10 of the top stresses you can have in your life!!! This heartbreak was just the cherry on top of it all, and I put all the blame into that – maybe even as a kind of defense mechanism, to not stress about all the rest. If you knew me in that same year, you’d have had no idea I was going through so much. I was tough as nails and NOTHING phased me!
2) The heartbreak was never about being ‘in love’. It took me a long time to figure that out. What it was, was ‘relationship addiction’. Something that’s impossible to see at the time, but that makes perfect sense in retrospect.
3) I WAS STILL the stable, strong and secure person I’d worked so hard to be. And now, I was more than ever! I no longer feel ashamed for breaking down after the hardest year of my life. AND, in fact, life threw same even tougher stuff at me as I was pulling myself out of the muck, but by then, I was reminded of who I am and of the survivor I am. I could handle anything again.
No more serious relationships for a bit. The time allowed me to think yet again, what love was or should be about. Here’s a few of my own ‘take aways’ as a 45 year old:
A. Love is ALWAYS good. Love never hurts, or feels bad. When you break someone’s heart or have yours broken, it’s not love that hurts. It’s selfishness. It’s when you stop getting what you want. You can tie in all the emotional reasoning behind it that you like. Bottom line – you don’t get to have it anymore, and that always hurts.
B. As a chaser to that, people aren’t possessions. You can’t lose them and you can’t have them. You also can’t blame anyone else for how you feel. You can’t credit them either. Your feelings are always yours and made by you, for you.
C. If love is as real and as pure as you think, then despite the selfish hurt you feel about not getting what you want anymore, you will genuinely and honestly be happy for the person you were once with, and you will want them to be happy too.
D. If your relationship is abusive or toxic to you – no matter how much you convince yourself, really – take a step back. That’s not love! (Refer back to A.) If this relationship ends – then make the time to realize that love should always be good and you are better off without them
E. Love is NEVER a choice. You can chose to stay in a committed relationship with someone and still not love them anymore. Love is something you either feel for someone or you don’t. The choice to stay in a loveless relationship is none of anyone’s business, but it’s not necessary to try to convince yourself that you still love someone when you don’t.
F. Loving yourself is absolutely necessary in order to love someone else. If you don’t love yourself, you have nothing to offer.
G. Love is all about YOU and not the person you love!! Love is a feeling. It is generated by you and belongs to you. It’s a gift you share with someone else and for it to really exist honestly, it needs to be reciprocated. I don’t care how many times I have made this same mistake and that others all around me are convinced that it’s any different. If love is not genuinely reciprocated in a relationship, it’s not love. It’s obsession, or addiction, or possession.. maybe any number of other things. Don’t fool yourself.
H. If someone has truly fooled you that they love you when they don’t, then of course, it would absolutely still feel like love, because your love for them is still real. The very concept of ‘being IN love’ is a romanticized illusion, that really means experiencing recurring feelings of love with the same person.
I’m young to some and old to others. I’ve done the ‘love thang’ on and off since I was a kid. From major crushes, to all kinds of ‘firsts’. Several long, live-in relationships, one marriage and have broken far more hearts than have had mine broken. (breaking hearts pained me so much more than having mine broken).
I’ve redefined what ‘love is’ over the years, and interpreted it slightly differently every time. I used to believe in a ‘soul mate’, and a ‘one true love’. I used to feel so sure that I was ‘done’ and decided that what I had at the time was ‘IT’. I was always happiest in a longer, committed relationship, and when I didn’t have that, I enjoyed my promiscuity.
So now I’m 45, and I consider myself very stable, strong and secure, after years of not being that at all. A while back, I found myself absolutely crushed by a relationship. For a while, it destroyed me. I was crushed, broken, hurt, angry, confused and sad. I was no longer the stable, strong and secure person I’d convinced myself I was, and THAT upset me even MORE! At first, I was in absolute denial and tried to wait things out. Completely convinced that things would change. I was medicated, which made me numb. And that’s when I realized that this was all wrong. It took all my courage to realize that going through this intolerable pain, was exactly what I needed to do, to figure things out and get through it. I stopped meds right away and went back to feeling the pain. This time, with a conscious mission.
Long story short, it took me several months of allowing the pain in and deciding to work through it, talking my feelings through with a friend, hitting MORE rock bottom and resurfacing, to realize MANY things!
1) Not only was my pain NOT only about the heartbreak – it was barely about the heartbreak at all! In the 12 months prior, I’d gone through 8 out of 10 of the top stresses you can have in your life!!! This heartbreak was just the cherry on top of it all, and I put all the blame into that – maybe even as a kind of defense mechanism, to not stress about all the rest. If you knew me in that same year, you’d have had no idea I was going through so much. I was tough as nails and NOTHING phased me!
2) The heartbreak was never about being ‘in love’. It took me a long time to figure that out. What it was, was ‘relationship addiction’. Something that’s impossible to see at the time, but that makes perfect sense in retrospect.
3) I WAS STILL the stable, strong and secure person I’d worked so hard to be. And now, I was more than ever! I no longer feel ashamed for breaking down after the hardest year of my life. AND, in fact, life threw same even tougher stuff at me as I was pulling myself out of the muck, but by then, I was reminded of who I am and of the survivor I am. I could handle anything again.
No more serious relationships for a bit. The time allowed me to think yet again, what love was or should be about. Here’s a few of my own ‘take aways’ as a 45 year old:
A. Love is ALWAYS good. Love never hurts, or feels bad. When you break someone’s heart or have yours broken, it’s not love that hurts. It’s selfishness. It’s when you stop getting what you want. You can tie in all the emotional reasoning behind it that you like. Bottom line – you don’t get to have it anymore, and that always hurts.
B. As a chaser to that, people aren’t possessions. You can’t lose them and you can’t have them. You also can’t blame anyone else for how you feel. You can’t credit them either. Your feelings are always yours and made by you, for you.
C. If love is as real and as pure as you think, then despite the selfish hurt you feel about not getting what you want anymore, you will genuinely and honestly be happy for the person you were once with, and you will want them to be happy too.
D. If your relationship is abusive or toxic to you – no matter how much you convince yourself, really – take a step back. That’s not love! (Refer back to A.) If this relationship ends – then make the time to realize that love should always be good and you are better off without them
E. Love is NEVER a choice. You can chose to stay in a committed relationship with someone and still not love them anymore. Love is something you either feel for someone or you don’t. The choice to stay in a loveless relationship is none of anyone’s business, but it’s not necessary to try to convince yourself that you still love someone when you don’t.
F. Loving yourself is absolutely necessary in order to love someone else. If you don’t love yourself, you have nothing to offer.
G. Love is all about YOU and not the person you love!! Love is a feeling. It is generated by you and belongs to you. It’s a gift you share with someone else and for it to really exist honestly, it needs to be reciprocated. I don’t care how many times I have made this same mistake and that others all around me are convinced that it’s any different. If love is not genuinely reciprocated in a relationship, it’s not love. It’s obsession, or addiction, or possession.. maybe any number of other things. Don’t fool yourself.
H. If someone has truly fooled you that they love you when they don’t, then of course, it would absolutely still feel like love, because your love for them is still real. The very concept of ‘being IN love’ is a romanticized illusion, that really means experiencing recurring feelings of love with the same person.