A lot of it was down to the no communication for nearly three weeks, which has just broken as he finally got his phone working again. I've had down times before, which have been picked up with the next nice phone call and re-energised me, but our last couple of calls haven't done that. I have left the call happy to hear his voice, but something in my brain is screaming at me that I must be off my sodding rocker, that something is wrong that I just can't put my finger on. It's like I've hit a wall ... really hard.
I both miss him and want to see him like nothing on Earth, but a huge part of me is starting to get nervous when we talk to each other, I find myself avoiding the topic of visits, of future plans, of anything serious. Just clamming up. I have tried to talk to him about how weird I'm feeling and how ridiculously alone I am all the time. He does listen, but he doesn't really say anything and I get the impression that the depth of these feelings is just not reaching him properly. Perhaps it is a language barrier thing, or simply him being too wrapped up in what is going on in his life at the moment, we very rarely talk about what is going on my end. I'm getting no words of encouragement, or hope, or anything from him that helps me keep going, I promise I am one of the lowest maintenance girlfriends on the planet, but geez I could do with something from him at the moment. I normally just take some time to think about the ridiculously good moments we have had together, but can you base an entire relationship on that one little spark? My logical brain keeps telling me no it can't.
It would be wonderful to have another meeting to see if it is just one of those weird connections which make normally sane people move mountains in order to be with someone, or whether there is some genuine compatibility there which could work long term. It's strange though, the more I feel alone here without his support, the less inclined I am to go and see him. My heart aches but my brain has taken the steering wheel and applied some caution to the brakes. How do you move forward when you don't know what way you are facing? How do you try and explain such contradicting feelings to someone thousands of miles away when you can hardly explain them to yourself?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could reset our brains to give us a little rest? Sometimes I feel like if I could just turn my brain off for a little while, it would stop being so fuzzy when I turned it back on again
. There is just something about him and our situation which makes my brain lose functional capacity.