The things recently happened to me remind me stories with my SO, and just I would like to write here because I have a big fear to lose my SO. I am a bit confused and I may have lots of grammatical mistakes.

It was in 1993. I met my SO at a party. He worked with 2 years contact in my country after a work in US. Eventually we knew he had worked with the parent company in US and I had worked with its subsidiary in my country. In that time I already left the subsidiary and studied in the graduated course. But we talked about the company, computers, etc. He was much taller than me and he looked down at me while he talked to me. His behaviour reminded me my sweet father who had already passed away, and I felt in love. We became good friends and visited each other. But the time went very fast and his contract was over. I cried so much helping his packing. He was a little nervous about his moving because he had to send too much things to his hometown, and he did not have much time to care a crying girl beside him.

I cried a lot after his leaving, and then I decided to study in his country. I found a program but it took very long time to prepare for it. We made phone calls and I told him about my plan. He also noticed me he got next job in Australia, which made me really disappointed. I saved money with my part-time job studying in the university, and made a short visit to see him in Australia. It was really nice. But when I asked that what is our relationship and he said "friends". It made me disappointed again. I expected more. In that time I was just a girl dreaming a wedding itself. I did not understand what is the life with a partner. Also I god a big pressure of the marriage from my mother, and it is quite natural in my country. (My mother is a typical "tiger mother") I understood "logically" he would not be a proper person as a partner of a marriage under our culture. I did not say anything about him to my mother and I thought I should to obey to our custom.

Just before the study program in his home country, a man proposed me, and I accepted it. I knew this person loved me and my mother liked this person. It was a big reason to decide my marriage. But it was a big mistake. During my study program my SO visited me but I could not say my engagement. I did not want to admit to give him up. Just I sent him a printed letter to notice my marriage, and he did not reply to it. We exchanged emails and phone calls sometimes as "friends" for some years. But after 15 months of my marriage, my ex husband was frustrated, shouted, and destroyed something every night, which continued for over 4 years. I asked a help to some people but they did not care. My ex husband made a girl friend and often spent a night with her. I realized I did my best as a wife and it was over. After 6 years of my marriage we divorced in 2000.

I had a financial problem because I paid most of cost for the divorce, moving, a fee for the lawyer, etc. I was really mentally damaged and could not trust men. I took a fake ring in my third finger and avoided to talk with men for over 5 years. But only to my SO sometimes I gave a phone call, and always asked him whether he has a particular friend. When he said "no", I felt "relieved" and thought "a seat next to him is not occupied". But I had only a part time job but it is not enough to visit my SO. I felt diffidence to tell my emotions to him. He did not know why I always ask the same question. In 2004 he said he had a girl friend. He sounded really happy, and then I thought I should give him up. It was hard for me.

After only 3 hours of the big earthquake last year, he sent me an email. I and my family were luckily all safe, and we have started to have frequent contacts again. I visited him last spring and then realized he did not seem to be mentally fulfilled. He told the relationship with his girl friend is not serious any more. He looked very happy to see me. After my visit of spring 2011, sometimes we talked by skype. In July it was only a few days visit but he looked glad to see me again. I found his gf has some problems. So I thought he is not serious with gf or has no contact with her anymore. But when I visited him for a week next month, his mood was not good and he would not like to be closer. In Autumn our talks by skype continued and he became closer again. I took new year holidays and visited him and he looked very happy. But for these some weeks he has had a bad mood again in skype, and I have realize he has still continued relationships with his gf and with me...I suppose he can not get married with his gf. But now I am really afraid to lose him again.