It's going on midnight, and it's almost been a week since our fight and I feel absolutely tortured. Over the past couple of days I've had so many people tell me "You're so patient," or "You're so strong," to be doing what I'm doing. And let me tell you, it's much more torturous than it seems.

How We Met

Over a year ago I broke up with my last boyfriend and I immediately joined okcupid as a means of finding company. I was there for mixed reasons... I had seen websites joking about some of the jerks girls run into on that site and I wanted to see if I could find some of these mythical creatures. I had no intention of finding dates, but making friends was cool and I made a few. Eventually I got into contact with this guy from Canada. We debate on who messaged who first. I swear it was me because okcupid kept suggesting him so I clicked on his profile and noted that he really liked art. He says he messaged me because he too noted stuff on my profile. But oh well, that's not important. We quickly took our conversations to Skype, or well, we tried. I'd message him and it'd always take him awhile to respond, sometimes even a whole day to respond, so I got the impression that he wasn't interested in talking to me, so I sort of moved on. This was about September-October-ish.

Together

Fast forward to January. I had recently lost a friend of mine and was feeling a mix of emotions; It was my first time dealing with death. And incidentally, he messaged me. We started talking, and he made me a drawing as a 'cheer up!' gesture which was probably one of the sweetest things a guy has ever done for me to be honest. I don't have a very good track history with guys. Eventually he invited me to do a Skype call with him. We ended up talking for hours, we clicked so naturally. I think the reason we didn't connect in the beginning was because he is always multitasking, so responding to IMs took him awhile. It was much easier to talk and connect when we could use our voices. We synced up so well. And as time went on we just continued talking on Skype every day, and we eventually started gaming together. He was always gifting me drawings and it made me so happy. I was beginning to wonder if he liked me, but I wasn't sure. The odds weren't in my favor in my head. I was always talking about it to Jessica, my best friend, whom I'm sure grew annoyed with it. But she said she could tell long before I had realized it that he liked me. Then one morning I woke to a message on Skype - a confession. He told me he was crushing on me pretty hard. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of the words. Of course I confessed too. But the issue was the distance. He was in Canada and I was in the US. Would he even be willing to give it a shot? He did say I was pretty much all he wanted in a girl except I was American. But given I wasn't actually that far we decided to give it a shot.

I was so happy. He was everything I wanted in a guy. I loved everything about him, even the simple things. He had some quirks (he has Aspergers Syndrome) but these were things I knew I'd have to learn to work with. His art and talent, I love it, his goals and dreams, how we wanted so many things in life down to something as simple as wanting a corgi. Whatever he wanted, I wanted, and it seemed like what I wanted, he wanted.

Meeting

Meeting wasn't the most climactic thing in the world, and I put the blame on customs. It was my first time traveling outside of the US and the customs agent I guess thought I may have been a run away so she questioned me pretty extensively and proceeded to lecture me on how ill prepared I was for my type of trip (meeting a guy I met online). I was so shaken up from the search, fearing that they'd deny me entry, that I was rather out of it. But once we got to his place and I was lying on his bed with him in his arms, it was amazing. We didn't do much on my visit but I was okay with that, I just wanted to be with him and I feel it's probably better this way because you get to learn more about a person when you're at their home and shootin' the breeze. Two days after getting home I scheduled my next visit I was so excited and eager to see him again. I wanted to find this rhythm of visiting once a month. It was perfect.

But I'm Not Perfect

Coincidentally as we started dating I had just entered the most stressful period of my life thus far. I was reaching the end of my program at my college, I was the top in my class, I had received awards from the AAF, two scholarships, and scholarship offers from colleges I hadn't even applied to. I had this standard that I felt I had to live up to. My peers who graduated just before me were amazing, and I wanted to raise the bar higher so I worked my ass off for one of the toughest professors you'll ever have the pleasure of meeting (you know Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada? She is just like her). I didn't realize it at the time, but I had other issues going on. I've had panic anxiety disorder since I was 16, I have PCOS and Hypothyroidism and I been off of my medication for a year, so my hormones were probably all over the place. And I admit, I would indeed get emotional and sensitive at times on top of the stress.

He once drew us dressed as the doctor from Doctor Who and a companion and I noticed that he drew me thin. Note, I am not thin at all. I am overweight and I have been scrutinized it for it all of my life. I'm constantly reminded how undesirable I am. This was before we had met in person and I could feel an internal panic. Was this how he pictured me? Did he think I was thin? No, it couldn't be. I had shown him photos. Then was this how he wished I looked? I decided to be honest about my feelings and he did not take it well. My worries were quickly relieved, but I think the insecurity lingered because I brought it up again for another drawing, but it wasn't anything that really bugged me. I loved his work regardless and I was happy any time he drew something for me. He gradually stopped drawing for me. I noticed and it hurt. I failed to see it from his perspective in the beginning. When giving a gift the last thing you you want is to receive criticism for it. And I guess I took an artists approach after awhile and would give criticism - Criticism that was not wanted. And who am I to speak? I'm not the bigger illustrator between the two of us. I love his work, I show it off to everyone. The lock screen on my phone is a drawing of his, my icon on Skype is a drawing of his, the icons on all of my Tumble blogs are drawings of his. I absolutely adore them and despite the things I have said and done they do not reflect the way I feel.

Another issue that came up was more serious health issues that I originally imagined. I knew he slept a lot, but I didn't realize how little control or influence he had on his sleeping patterns. There were periods of time when he was either in bed or dead tired by time I got home and by then he wasn't up for much and he couldn't stay on Skype for as long because he needed sleep. This became frustrating at times because I of course loved my time with him. This issue came up twice. But the second time around he enlightened me a little bit more on it and opened my eyes. I felt awful. I learned things about him I didn't know and had I known I would have been much more patient in the first place. I just didn't know the extent of it all until the second time around.

Then a few weeks ago Skype started acting up for him. Skype has become a notoriously crappy program and the ads would make his computer lag and eventually programs would start freezing up and crashing. He had hinted at dumping the program which worried me. Skype had been our primary form of contact. Not only that, it was how we made calls. The calls were what brought us together in the very beginning. I had grown accustomed to having evening calls with him. I enjoyed his company, the sound of his voice, and it allowed me to do things with him online with ease. Then last week he finally decided he was fed up with it. I think I took it differently than he did. Skype represented so much to me and I didn't want to lose what had become a staple in our relationship. I took to the internet to help him find a fix. I sent him many different fixes, all of which he said didn't work. So I started to explore our options for alternatives.

Meanwhile I was (or am as I write this) going through a tough internship for a local university. I was the only intern to the only graphic designer for the whole university and it's many departments and I had to pick up all of the slack. My boss had been riding my ass for some time and I ended up cracking under the pressure and stress. Meanwhile I was potentially losing something I often went to for comfort - the daily calls with the man I love. The stress, anxiety, and emotions got to the better of me and I projected some of my sensitivity onto him. When I asked about alternatives to Skype he didn't seem to receptive, he didn't say much, so I began to feel like maybe he wasn't all too eager to find an alternative, and maybe what was because he was needing some space from me - so I decided to inquire about it. I was sensitive, yes, I jumped the gun, yes, I was melodramatic, yes. Was I mad at him? No. Was I upset with him? No. My stress from work lingered and I projected those emotions onto him at a few other small instances such as thinking he didn't want to tell me he loved me. I pushed a few wrong buttons.

Regrets

It's been now been 5 days since we had our conflict and I have no idea what is going on. I keep wishing I could just go back in time and take back all of the stupid shit I said in my fit of emotions because they do not accurately represent the way I feel and I wish and hope he knows this. I apologized many times, explained myself many times, but eventually decided to take a step back. He had said I put him in a difficult position and I wish to no longer do such a thing. It was never my intention, and I intend to never do it again, that's if he'll even have me. Right now our relationship is stuck in this state of limbo.

I've scheduled an appointment with my doctor to get back on my medication. I was due to do that earlier this summer but due to my internship schedule I had been holding it off. It never occurred to me how much my conditions could affect me, but after watching a video on Youtube, and extensive research, it all makes sense. I don't like my hormones and emotions as much as those it affects. It's not me. It's the stupid imbalances in my body that need to be balanced out and thankfully I can achieve this without mood altering drugs. I've promised him to never project my sensitive states on him again. Or at least to the frequency that I have as of late.

He hasn't really said much about it - just that he needs time to think things through and here I am. There's so much I want to say, so much I want to do, but I don't want to push him. But these past few days have given me a lot of time to think about myself, my actions, my words, and what I can do to make things right.

I just wish he'd come around and give me a chance. I love him so much, I want nothing but the best for him, I want to help him thrive and achieve his goals (I had offered to brand him professionally) and reach success, and I want him to know all of those times I was emotional or bitter, it wasn't me, it wasn't my feelings for him, and it wasn't him. I want things to get back to the way they were. I want us to play games together, watch movies together, I wish we could return to doing calls because I love hearing his voice and his laugh.

50+ reasons why I love him.

I love him. In general.
I love his art.
I love his talent.
I love his versatility.
I love his ambitions.
I love his goals.
I love his determination.
I love his intelligence.
I love his humor.
I love his laugh.
I love his voice.
I love his eyes. Dem thick lashes.
I love his chubby cheeks.
I love his hair and getting to pet it when I'm with him.
I love his taste in music.
I love his kisses.
I love our inside jokes.
I love how caring he is.
I love how romantic he is.
I love how sweet he is.
I love how gentle he is.
I love how helpful he is.
I love how potato-y he is (good potato-y)
I love how goofy he is.
I love how he said 'M'lady!' and sounds a lot like the flappy fedora guy
I love how he stands his ground.
I love how much he cares about his friends.
I love how much he loves and appreciates his grandmother.
I love how he's managed to put up with his brothers shit up to this point.
I love how he'd draw for me.
I love how he used his art for kind gestures.
I love how generous he is.
I love how patient he is.
I love how he shares video games with me since I am so out of the loop
I love how he'd get me little gifts, such as cheap games on Steam or my Doctor Who T shirt.
I love how great he is with handling kids.
I love how he doesn't drink (often) or get high.
I love how protective he is.
I love how much of a gentleman he is.
I love how well our life goals sync up.
I love how well I could compliment him in our fields.
I love how supportive he is.
I love how he teases me.
I love how we crack America vs. Canada jokes.
I love how passionate he can be about certain topics.
I love how blunt and honest he is.
I love how loyal he is.
I love how his voice gets softer when he says he loves me.
I love how he sounds when he's sleepy.
I love how he'd wake me up in the middle of the night by pulling me close and kissing my neck.
I love how we both want a corgi.
I love how he enjoys music like the spice girls
I love how he worried about me when I was on my way home because I couldn't get a hold of him and check in on him.
I love how we would make little plans such as designing t shirts together or going to Japan together one day.
I love how he knows exactly what he could do to cheer me up even though his presence is good enough.
I love how he has little OCD quirks such as making sure our vegetables were chopped up nicely.
I love how he's made sure not to follow in his fathers foot steps.
I love how we used to sit on Skype for hours together.
I love when he geeks out over something and his voice gets high pitched.
I love playing games with him even though I suck at many of them.
I love watching movies over Skype together.
I love watching him draw.

And I promise to always do my best to prove it to him and to show him. But will it be enough? I don't know. Right now I'm not so hopeful.