Originally posted by Karringtyn
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I have to start out with a BIG thank YOU to each of you that read my blog post and reached out with so much love and care.
I have been in a dark place since my coming back from my visit. It always makes me sooo sad but usually I can get a grip on it. With knowing that our LDR can be a CDR from just the sale of his house...it is like I am SOOO close...yet so far.
It's taken toll on me. Yes I am appreciative. I am glad that is the ONLY hurdle we have to overcome. But that hurdle...THAT hurdle is the beginning of the domino effect. For you see I am legally seperated..for almost 2 years...but the divorce won't be final till either I move out of this house or I buy the house. That in itself is a long story. So living here I am still under my ex and his "juristiction."....I had moved out of this house...and moved back in after 4 months because my ex felt I should have the house with the kids and he got another one. I love this house...this is MY dream home. So when Dan and I got together....and decided to marry...he loved the house too and wanted to buy it too. So till his house sells...he stays in NH...and life is on hold.
For three days I have had problems with my furnace. My ex said it was MY responsibility to fix it...tho it is HIS house still legally. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE fight this am. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year...till this morning. I felt so much ATTACK on me...I couldn't breathe..it was horrible. My ex and I get along usually quite well...today was a reminder of how much pain and hatred there is between us.
At 6:30 I woke my love up out of a dead sleep with me in the middle of a panic attack. He was very supportive and listened reassured me he loved me.
But I got off the phone and was like..
WTF?
I don't know what I expected from him...what I wanted from him. He isn't my fixer or my healer. I spent years of co-dependency...and have healed through therapy from it.
I cried so unbelievably hard most of the day. I took a three hour nap tonight and do feel better...
I felt like he had failed me this morning., I do these stupid tests to see if someone truly cares...I set the bar so high...that they basically have no choice but fail...because my expectations are so high....I get scared and I want to run...escape from someone caring about me.
Do I know that he loves me? Yes. Why do I push away those that do? Always have.
I have never been at the crossroad like I was this morning.
We have talked a lot since this morning and of course I told him how I was feeling and he reassured me...
But right now...I feel so lost and alone...and I am losing hope.
I have been in a dark place since my coming back from my visit. It always makes me sooo sad but usually I can get a grip on it. With knowing that our LDR can be a CDR from just the sale of his house...it is like I am SOOO close...yet so far.
It's taken toll on me. Yes I am appreciative. I am glad that is the ONLY hurdle we have to overcome. But that hurdle...THAT hurdle is the beginning of the domino effect. For you see I am legally seperated..for almost 2 years...but the divorce won't be final till either I move out of this house or I buy the house. That in itself is a long story. So living here I am still under my ex and his "juristiction."....I had moved out of this house...and moved back in after 4 months because my ex felt I should have the house with the kids and he got another one. I love this house...this is MY dream home. So when Dan and I got together....and decided to marry...he loved the house too and wanted to buy it too. So till his house sells...he stays in NH...and life is on hold.
For three days I have had problems with my furnace. My ex said it was MY responsibility to fix it...tho it is HIS house still legally. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE fight this am. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year...till this morning. I felt so much ATTACK on me...I couldn't breathe..it was horrible. My ex and I get along usually quite well...today was a reminder of how much pain and hatred there is between us.
At 6:30 I woke my love up out of a dead sleep with me in the middle of a panic attack. He was very supportive and listened reassured me he loved me.
But I got off the phone and was like..
WTF?
I don't know what I expected from him...what I wanted from him. He isn't my fixer or my healer. I spent years of co-dependency...and have healed through therapy from it.
I cried so unbelievably hard most of the day. I took a three hour nap tonight and do feel better...
I felt like he had failed me this morning., I do these stupid tests to see if someone truly cares...I set the bar so high...that they basically have no choice but fail...because my expectations are so high....I get scared and I want to run...escape from someone caring about me.
Do I know that he loves me? Yes. Why do I push away those that do? Always have.
I have never been at the crossroad like I was this morning.
We have talked a lot since this morning and of course I told him how I was feeling and he reassured me...
But right now...I feel so lost and alone...and I am losing hope.
