Disclaimer...

This was written before I got the news!!!!!!



I paused before I said the words.

"Why are we even bothering? This whole relationship is ...ugh I don't even know. I use to look forward to holidays. I use to look forward to every day. Then the tears started."

I must have sounded so hopeless. I felt hopeless. I told him that he could leave,,,

He stood his ground. Said he loved me with his entire heart and he didn't know what he could do to prove it to me.

I had a psychaitrist appointment today and I basically spilled my guts to him. He told me I was one of the strongest patients he has. That I just had to let go and move on. That he knows I know that.

My ex has done a number with my head...especially this week. I am really going to concentrate on working on ME and focusing on the here and now.

About our Christmas visit? That's what led me to really start to lose it. He said he probably couldn't come here because of money and his tires. I think there was a part of me that had secretly hoped he was planning a surprise visit to be here on Christmas.

And when I learned that wasn't happening...I lost it.

We have a webcam date in a few. I wrote a letter I am going to read to him. I really hope we can work through this.