All over the place.

Karringtyn started a blog post All over the place.
January 2, 2011, 05:28 PM
All over the place.

Been sick with a stupid stomach bug today.

He left yesterday am.

At first I was ok. I mean I cried...but I really held a lot in. MY best friends Mom died in a horrible fire the night before he got here. He was here for 10 days. I lived in happy happy land. Only worked one day..and I will tell you what I was in heaven.

But reality is this.

Tomorrow is the funeral.
Kids go back to school.

I return to crazy job on Tuesday.

I hate my life. I do. And I am a BIG advocate of..if you don't like it...change it.

But how can I change something that is out of my control?

Today I find myself hating the fact that I have fallen so hard. I wish I still could have some of my walls up. I am on the fence.

I have children and yesterday I was so miserable around them. I hate them seeing me like this.

I know he loves me. I know that eventually his house will sell.

But his passiveness pisses me off.

He has returned to life...and says "Oh I miss you too"...and blah blah blah.

I am hurting.

We have chatted every few hours today...and yesterday he got home at 5 and was in bed by 7:30...

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I am NOT being understanding. I am being a headcase.

When we are together things are great. I am very secure. I don't want to be dependant on a man for my happiness again...EVER.

I want to be strong.
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5 comments
- #3
  
  mllebamako commented
  
  January 3, 2011, 03:54 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Try not to look at it as "passiveness". I used to think that about my SO and then he explained that it is too painful for him to get really emotional about it. He is practical and since we can't change our situation, he just accepts it. I sit around dwelling on it with my heartbreaking which of course....does nothing to help the situation!
  Try not to over-think things, I know we both do that so much. This is your situation right now and start to try and accept that it will be like this for a little while longer.
  Be kind to yourself
- #4
  
  Silviar commented
  
  January 3, 2011, 08:30 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  It takes a much stronger person to trust in another enough to love them, particularly after an abusive relationship. A much stronger person than one who stays separate and keeps up barriers. That's the easy way to get through life.
  
  Adjusting back after a visit is hard. *big hugs* go easy on yourself for a few days.
- #5
  
  Stebo commented
  
  January 3, 2011, 06:38 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  I can completely relate. My SO left today, I went to the doctor and have bronchitis, my child is with his dad this week...it is so very depressing. I feel like I have put my life on hold for a guy and that I am the one doing all the work to try to eventually be with him. I feel like the LDR is determining my happiness...I am happy when I am with him and pathetically sad when I am not. I feel your pain. It has to get easier. Hang in there!
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All over the place.