I can't explain my mood today. I am all by myself, kids are at school, house is clean, errands done. The funeral service was yesterday for my friend's Mom, and it was one of the saddest times of my life. I cried and cried. Her and her father both worked at the same school I use to work at. The entire school basically showed up and everyone hugged me and it was very odd because seeing people in a setting and in a very sad moment when I hadn't seen them in about a year or so was odd. Because I am strong and a happy woman NOW. But yesterday they saw the very sad and defeated me.

I haven't really been able to talk to Dan, the occasional 5 minute convo here and there. He called when he woke yesterday right as calling hours were ending...I talked to him briefly and in that instant I felt better, stronger.

I go back to work tonight...with the exception of one shift, I haven't worked in 2 weeks. A very long break. Honestly I don't want to go back. I don't want to talk to anyone, everyone will be full of lots of questions and I am not ready to answer them. I am actually afraid.

I just want to fast forward and get back into the routiene of my life again.

Dan has a showing at 3 today.

Defeated. I think that is a word to describe how I feel.

The harder I try to be happy and accept that things will work out...something else happens and shakes my security. So hard to explain.