I got back this afternoon. I drove the 3.5 hour trip back crying, the tears streaming down my face....I am so stupid sometimes. I push away those that love me. Always have and probably always will.....

As I said in my last blog we had an argument yesterday...well this morning....we were getting things around and I just wanted to relax..it was 8 am. Check-out was NOON. He said he really didn't want to relax as he wanted to get back and be able to take a nap before he had to work 8 pm till 7 am. Which I clearly understand..it was just the WAY he said it. Well I started rushing around...acting like a complete idiot..telling him I was hurrying so that we could get checked out and he could be on his way. He looked at me..shook his head and left the room and went out by the pool. I felt alone and abandoned at that point.

I blew dry my hair and then broke down. I sat on the bathroom counter crying.

2 hours later after much "release" I truly let him know what my fears were...what was going on...and some of why I was acting the way I was.

I have always felt that a man does not need to complete me...that I am complete in myself.

Today I realized that the walls have STILL been up..and that Dan DOES indeed complete the circle.

It was bad. It was a horrible fight..probably the worst one we have ever had. As I sobbed in his arms I felt truly truly scared that he would have seen me at my lowest and walk away.

I am still shaky. He has said over and over that this "fight" has made us closer than ever..he has reassured me over and over that he does love me.

MY GOD! I know this. I am acting like a child.

I am scared that by me letting down that final wall I will live to regret it. I feel very ugly and vulnerable right now..and it is killin me.

I lie here still crying. I miss him. I am in so much pain....my heart HURTS. It aches for HIM. I don't want to sleep without him..I don't want to be here in this house without him.

This is NOT me.

I am independant. I am walls up all around.

Ha. Crock of Shi#.

It was a beautiful weekend with my love, that just had a couple of really really low moments.

And I am now shaken because of it.