I find it very odd how happy I am. I have been miserable for so long, longer than I EVER let on. Most people/friends that I tell what is going on to, are very supportive. They really do understand and many of them have seen first hand Dan treat me with so much hatred and lack of respect. By him doing that in front of people, it has helped people to see why I let go in December. Alcohol ruins people's lives. I now have seen it first hand and won't EVER settle.
I have a roommate. Not sure if many of you know that. I had a girl from work move in 3 weeks ago. She pays 80/week....and it is nice. I lost child support from older two when they moved out in January...so it offsets the costs. Money wise I am struggling....but who isn't these days?! I just buckle down and try to curb the frivolous spending where I can.
This is turning into a ramble.
Our divorce papers are almost all set. We go Monday to have them notarized and then it is a matter of a couple of weeks and the marriage is dissolved. I get very sad when I think about how hard I tried to make things work, to close the distance, and bam....marriage happens and it's done. I think back to where we fell apart. Dang if I had OPENED my eyes the signs were all there. When he moved here in July of 2011...he was drinking ALL the time and taking off in a mad rage in the middle of the night. For hours I would worry where he was. I would find him asleep all different places...(the garage, car, bench)...and each time the blame was placed on me. got exhausting after awhile. I wasn't his Mother.
I am trying to let go, and move on. I have for the most part. I have dealt in therapy about the loss of the "dream" and how I need to stop blaming myself.....I thought if I loved him enough he would FIX himself and I would be worth it.
Which leads me to Vernon. I have never ever felt quite like this. Our relationship is so very different. It is based on trust and respect. I can't believe just how different he is and how different I am as a person. I have grown so much in the past year. Of course my guard is up.......but I am ready.
He said to me the other night.... "Lucinda, let me love you."
That made me cry.
I don't think I have ever let someone truly love me.
Until now.
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This is the longest blog ever from you, more of these please =D