I am on the verge of tears.
Today was the funeral for my ex husband's...kid's father....brother. He passed away at the age of 43...my age. It was heartbreaking. It was very odd to sit there with my kids, his family, his girlfriend. I felt like I was out of my body watching things. I felt like a fat blob just sitting there. I have gained a lot of weight since my days with my ex and haven't really been around his family. I kept getting complimented of how good I looked...but all the while I was cutting myself up inside....I am my own worst critic.
When I saw my ex break down it killed me inside. I was so sad for him. We haven't been together in 4 and a half years...and I felt like I was watching a stranger. The whole experience was odd. I watched him introduce his girlfriend to people...(they have been together 4 years)...and I didn't know who I was.
I am just an emotional wreck today.
I feel so sad for my kids losing their uncle.
I feel sad for my ex inlaws losing their son. When they hugged me I almost lost it.
I feel sad for my ex losing his brother.
He had just gotten married last June... his wife is devastated.
Everyone told me in my last blog that I need to let go of the past. The more I learn about what Dan (ex that I married last summer)....I have lost countless friends because they feel I devastated him. They chose HIS side. The man was a hot mess. He was an alcoholic who mentally abused me. He had anger issues and all I did was love him and take it.
When I stood up for me and left....
SO many people sided with him, including my own Mother.
I hate me some days. I hate that I covered it all up for so long.
I hate that I tried to paint a pretty picture and afterwards all guilt is pointed to me.
I am in serious need of a head whomping.
I have the best man in the entire world. I love him with all my being. Yet my past is haunting me...making me doubt me and my self worth.
I am fighting all my urges of self sabotage tonight.
I had to let this all out...
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Karringtyn started a blog post Self Sabotage...gets me every time..Self Sabotage...gets me every time..
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I know the feeling of not knowing where you belong in a ex family gathering. My ex's cousin died a few years ago and the funeral was awkward for me. I wanted to be there to pay my respects and I knew said cousin and was really sad. But part of me thought I'm a stranger there and shouldn't have attended. But in the end I'm glad I did.
Don't be so hard on yourself. At the end of the day its your life and you have to make the best out of it. I know its harder some days than others and its ok to fall apart every once in a while. Crumble to pieces end then pick them up again and you notice they might be in a new order to help you get through
I've got to say, that the only person you are stuck with in your life is You. The only person who is always going to be there, is YOU. So you need to be your own best friend, you need to look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Like a best mate, you're going to know there are flaws, and like how you love your friends, you have to love yourself not just in-spite of all that crap but because of it.
Much love for you.