Last few days Nathan has been really attentive and sweet. And its funny how it affects me. I have been in a really good mood these past few days. I been feeling alot better with him, just not scared about him coming and im not as nervous any more and just i feel good again. Is this bad? That i need alot of attention from him to feel secure in our relationship? Not secure thats not the word, but when he was so busy he felt distant? Now he's close again. And we been talking about when he's here which has been exciting because its sooner and sooner everyday. I just feel lucky to have him, hes so special to me.

40 days until he is here with me! I am beyond excited but also worried, I know he loves me for me but its still nerve wrecking considering he hasnt seen me in person. I don't consider myself vain but i am extremely self concious, well at least for him. I have one month left to tone and i have horrible will power when it comes to sticking to working out. just i want to be ready. I consider myself a distant beauty lol i look pretty from a distance but up close..... And then theres the list of things i need to get soon, like ill need the nessesities shampoo, pads, lotion, i need to get travel size bag. plus i need to make sure i have enough saved up. I really don't want to let nathan spend a thing on me. My mom see's differently, she tells me he's the man he should pay blah blah blah. but i don't want him to at all, hes paying for himself to come here. And i did nothing to help him at all, so im hoping ill have enough saved up by then, i think i will but idk if im calculating things right, if there going to be more costly? it would suck to say sorry i can't go because i can't afford, and eh so much ill have to get done. not quite nervous yet but a bit worried. Alot to get done and prepare. and still have to tell dad about it, and plan the trip with mom and ehh

lol i hope that everything goes well and i am everything he needs