I really am feeling down and frusterated, last night was annoying, and then this morning with moms convo. Im just feeling a bit pushed down i guess. I feel like i don't have any options. Because of my living situation and not being able to really afford things on my own. I don't know how things are going to play out and work, im kind of scared right now that im not going to be able to go off with Nathan after the 2nd week anymore. And its so frusterating i feel defeated and like crying.

I screwed up, i shouldn't have been so lazy, got a job already had my own place and own money and would have changed things so much. But im so behind. I just barely got my license i should have gotten it months ago, i just feel so far behind. And like i have no say so in my life. I felt strong before, like things are going to just happen, he's going to come there going to love him and were going to have a amazing time. But now im thinking even if they love him they will try to forbid me to go with him anywhere. And im starting to fear that i won't be able to stand up to them.

Its frusterating, cause i know i love him and he loves me so why is it so damn hard to be together? I really wish he were here to just take me to the side and tell me its going to be okay. Just need to get through this first few days, i think when me and him connect then maybe ill be able to get the courage to stand up for what i want. But idk.... i mean its my family.... ive never went against anything serious.
I just need to fully feel like im Nathan's. Cause he's so realistic, when i say are we going to be together forever, he tells me truthfully that he hopes so. Thats his plan, he wants to, but its never a gaurantee.... and i guess thats the scary part to. He can't give me a 100% promise, and i know he can't cause if its doesnt work he broke his word. but i wish i had that full reasurance, i kind of feel thats part of the reason he hasn't told his parents. I know hes sure of his feelings, and im sure of mine and i know we both love each other completly. But that slight chance something might go wrong. I think thats the real reason. Just cause he's going to tell them when he's here about me, after he's already here. They know he's coming here, but for a holiday vacation they think. I feel if he had the gaurantee that were going to make it, he would tell them.

idk, my familys just getting under my skin and in my head. I hate feeling like im on a short leash, i have no options. Im just so frusterated, this has been the obsticle in our relationship nearly the whole 2 years we been together, its been my family in the way.
Makes me scared, they make me feel like being alone with him, wanting to be with him is wrong. And i have no regrets or and it doesn't matter what they thing, but its frusterating and tiresome and emotionaly draining. have 12 more days to go, and then i can finally be with him, lol i think im going to cry when im finally in his arms, all the fighting and struggling to finally see and be with him.
Sorry for the venting, im just feeling lost and defeated and useless and scared and i want my nathan......