Had the most amazing past 2 days, and then i got home and it went to hell.I had cryed for a half hour straight till my eyes hurt. I can vent here, and share, seems the only place i can. I can't tell anyone in depth the time i had because they will say im easy or desprete or whatever else they think. So i'll write about my time the good the bad everything and just let it out.

The day before I get to see him i took a shower so i'll be able to straighten my hair in the morning. I had planned it out, was going to wake at 6am Was going to wash my face, get dressed eat, do my hair then my makeup and be done by 7:30 to head out. Were going to meet my aunt at 9 drop off the kids then head over to san fran, park and wait till he comes.

well that night wasn't great, I told mom night at midnight, so i could sleep, really was trying. Layed in bed but after a bit i could hear mom on the phone. Hear her talking and arguing a bit just stressed. It was my dad on the line. So at 1am i took the phone and to reasure him. He went on and on how he doesn't know him, that i can't be nieve, but that he trusts me and does want me to have a good time. (How im mad thinking of this because he been talking to everyone bad mouthing nathan) So i think i finally went to bed at 1am and fell asleep at after 2. Woke up at 3 forced myself to stay in bed woke again at 5 something layed in bed till a few minutes before 6. I felt sick! omg i was scared i was going to throw up.I tried to eat but made it worse. I was scared i was getting sick, so i took a tylenol and got ready. I was paranoid and worried Nathan wouldn't like what he would see, like mybe i'd be below expectations. We headed out and my brother, mg was such a pain, was interigating me about Nathan and lol in a way is funny, guess he's trying to play that protective brother role? But i don't think he relizes hes a 11 yr old boy.

We finally arrived at 10:28am. We first got there and had no idea where to go and asked around and we we saw this arrival section so we were waiting there. Was looking at the arrival board and i couldn't find his flight, so i asked someone. Turns out we were in a completly different section, had to walk all the way on the other side, go up a floor down the hall and down the escalator, was literally a 15 minute walk. The airport was huge!
So finally its time the arrival board said his flight lands at 12:39. So at 12:40 i was so excited. People started crowding waiting for there loved ones to come out. And every single time the door opened up my tummy tightened. Lol was so horrible!!! It would open and i'd look to see him and he wouldn't come out went on like that for almost a hour. I at some points couldn't look. told mom tell me if you see him. And shes all he's here! I was looking like where!! Was someone else..... I was like your no help! She made me get butterflys and everything. lol the guy she thought looked nothing like him. Waited more and then Finally!!!! Omg when i saw him. All the silly worries of what will i do what if i cant move just, as soon as i saw him i was then in his arms. he has such a strong tight hug. When he holds me i felt so safe. like he won't let me go. Mom was near so we just hugged Mom recorded for me and took a few pics. My poor Nathan tho he had almost missed his plane. He literally just made it by a minute, if he missed it he wouldn't have been able to come till the next day. And he wouldn't have been able to call me. Would have been horrible, i would have gotten so many thoughts what if something hapened or he changed his mind or ehh so im glad he made it, Sadly tho they lost his luggage. So he had no clothes to change into. He was so tired tho. We got on one of the trains and i wanted to hug him but it was still new and i wasnt sure. I kept looking out the window lol Wasn't awkward just i didn't know how he was feeling and what mom would think and lol maybe i was a bit nervous? Was nice sitting so close tho. We got off and he kept walking ahead tho lol first day was fun and new. Getting to be held by him. To see him in person. The next day and a half just flew by.

He hardly ate. First day we shared a few bites of chicken chow mein. The 2nd day he said he had half a burger. Just eh need to feed that boy. But was so nice. Mom was with us but while we were walking through china town every time she went in a shop we would take advantage of the moment and hug and hold eachother.

My first kiss, was in front on a shop. lol idk which one to me they were all so similar, he knew which one, i just knew it was in china town. Was a soft onnocent kiss, was quick cause we had only moments but it was perfect. And all the silly worries of what will i do in that moment didn't matter, was nice, his lips! <3 really are so soft and i... lol kk but yeah was nice. getting a few kisses when i can.

We spent alot of time walking, we bth got burned lol My shoulders still hurt. I loved getting to hold his hand, we would walk and he'd hold out his hand or we'd bump and find eachothers hand or i would reach out for it, but was so nice walking together. Lol the 2nd day when he wan't as tired and walking ahead of me. My favorate time tho was at the hotel. Lol sounds bad... it prob is. We didn't share a room. He was in a complete dif building but he came over. And every chance we got we took advantage of it. lol maybe we got a bit to cuddly. we got some comments. Some guy asked us if we were on our honey moon lol said he could see the love in our eyes. And another girl said as we were walking in that she would tell us to get a room but she can see we already have one lol. I think on the street we got stared at a bit too, but honestly i don't care if strangers saw, i could care less, it was just my mom i was nervous bout lol. Had to be careful. We were up in the room watching tv. Was mom, me and nathan all on the couch. I was cuddled in his arms, was the best feeling in the world next to kissing him. He woud stroke my arm or hold my hand, but then lol he would caress my cheek or whisper in my ear or kiss my hair just so so hard to keep a straight face when he would do this while moms sitting right there!! haha was so good tho.
won't give all the mushy details but i had alot of firsts. lol nothing down and dirty but enough that i got light headed and my legs felt shaky. But i loved it, i want so much more of him. I didn't get enough 2 days was not enough at all! And saying good buy was hard, I wanted to cry, i really wanted to just him hold me and cry but i didn't want mom to see me cry so i had to keep a straight face. But it sucked..... it was not enough time. I will see him saturday but im scared.

Came back and eh my dad is just making it so hard. and everything is just so messed up. He been talking to everyone. And there talking horrible. Saying why can't Nathan get a girl there and why is he coming all this way and that there going to get a background check on him and a copy of his passport and just i hate all this. And they don't trust him and don't want me alone with him. And i so was looking forward to going to disney land with him. I was always seeing commercials, where magic happens. Bought the album and just i wanted to make memories but now i don't know if i will get to and it sucks and i feel so defeated and eh i can't cry cause it still can happen but im scared i wont get more then these two weeks with him. Mom says i have to either change the disney date at the end of the month or on the 1st-4th of july when nana has those days off. That its to soon for me to be alone with him. That i can't be nieve that technically i just met him.

But idc if we just met in person, it felt so right so natural so good. I can't handle not getting to be with him when he's this close and hear. Just being away now is hard so to have missed moments of weeks with him will hurt so much. I feel bad for him though he's already paying extra to stay here and see and be with with me. He says im worth it but idk if i am. I don't do anything to help our relationship, i can't afford to help him come or stay here, and all i seem to do is cause problems. I had even lost my wallet with my i.d and credit card, so had to borrow money from him till i get a new one. Just i feel so useless and so greedy and selfish cause even tho he's done so much and doing i want him to keep so we can see and be with eachother, its horrible cause reasonably he should just stay with his plans, its already booked its cheaper, and he should enjoy seeing california. But i want him so badly, now that i know how it feels to hold him and see him and be with him i want him to cancel his plans and just stay with me the whole time. I want more of him, so much more, but i know its not right and he shouldn't have to change his plans. But idk what to do. I can't go against my family......

So miss him right now. He called me a few times and was nice. But i miss his touch, his scent, his voice in my ear. I miss him so much. I hope these days past by so super fast and i get to see and be with him again soon.

Please send prayer that my dad gives him a chance when they meet.