So its seeming like Nathan won't be here for awhile, not till April. Which will have been 9 months since his last visit. I can't be upset, because theres nothing to be uset about except that it sucks. Nearly a whole year apart. Im not sure how long I can keep doing this. Waiting so long to see eachother just to say goodbye and do it all again. But Hopefully just a little longer. I would like to go there in May, but Im not sure how big of a possibility that it, might have to consider July more. It was be about 6 months, Which will be hard on my family. So im thinking go just 4. I would rather go in May and so when I tell them I can say Im going to be there for our anniversary, my birthday and his. Which would be 4 months but I don't know.but i know to my family they will take it as im wrapping my whole life around Nathan and taking from him. Because going I would be living with him eating with him and leaning on him alot. But i want to hurry and start a life with him, If i could i wish we could just forget all this wait and if i had enough money i would just move over there now.... i just want to be with him but I still fight with myself if this is wrong and selfish. Because I want to be with him so bad, that im willing to let him take care of me? Just I know I need to work on independence and figure out whats right and wrong. Im being young and imature huh? Rushing to hurry and start a life and a family? I want that fairytale... but is this to fast to be wanting it this bad?
This LDR is getting harder though. I keep having depression worse then when i did before we met. And im trying not to show it, I think I've been doing good, but the past few days I been crying alot, I don't know what is wrong with me. I was doing good the first week or two he left but now I just feel fed up with everything, with us, my family, no work. Im trying to focus on the long run. That eventually I have to get a interview, I'll get hired one day. That soon i'll see him, that the distance won't break us. That if i just work on my attitude and help more i can get along with my family. I see it can be done all this, but its so... it just all feels out of reach. The word failure comes up alot in my head.
Tired of feeling tired, useless and frusterated. Not sure what im going to do right now, keep fighting with thoughts. but going to keep working at moving forward, and trying to do whats right. Im hoping to get work! Why is this so hard.... i been calling and applying and realy really trying and i seem to be going no where.... kay i know its only been a week..... so havent been trying that long but rejection still sucks...