the distance is hard, and i think its really getting to Nathan. He's been having sleepless nights still, and is really depressed. I know how he feels, i find myself daydreaming and replaying memories and moments with him all the time. It makes me happy though, what i get upset about is the thought of the wait. 8 damn more months until he can maybe come visit. and then whats scarier is that i might not get to see him in may or even this summer. No work means no money which means no visit. I want to see him so badly, i would be happy and fine with going and the whole time he's in school, if it means at the end of the day i'd get to see him. Im fine with waiting till the fall or beginning of next year to start college if it means being with him. I really choose him over everything, and its hard for me to talk too anyone about this. Because they won't understand or, say im being stupid and putting all my future into some boy. But he's my other half, i want him more then anything. To be with him is all i want more then going to culinary or traveling the world or writing a manga or any other amazing thing. And i don't want to wait a year or more, i want him now.
I just feel like its so out of reach though, like everythings trying to get in our way. I know its hard for my baby, but its also hard for me, idk how much i can handle, trying to be strong but it does get to me. The waiting and being alone hurts sometimes.
Aparently im unaffectionate and not loving. Mom was talking to my aunt and said it so casually. I don't like affection and keep to myself she says. And nana keeps saying to others how im just at home, and dad thinks im nieve and so aparently im just wasting away my life. And its true in a sense i don't have anything to offer and i cant seem to move ahead in life. I just feel like giving up on me.