Im feeling inadequate right now. Like im lacking personality. Things have been a bit... not rocky, but just hard with us right now. I blame distance for 90% of it. It's depressing and makes everything 100% worse.
But I feel as if im not bringing enough to the table. Conversations between us just haven't been as lively, and its repeative. I know he loves me and wants to talk to me, but I don't feel he's excited to anymore. That it's more out of habit, and because he wants to be with me, but theres not that strong desire to. Which is understandable, with the conversations slow, and the same, just sad missing you feel.
Which just adds to my insecurities already, of being dull, and plain. I get so scared that one day I just won't be enough or he'll loose intrest. He's made clear that he won't feel that way, but when times are hard... I can't help it.
I want the conversations to flow fast again, to talk and relize omg it's been 4 hours, and i only felt like a half hour. I miss that. I just feel unintresting and dull. And so I let these thoughts into my head, which I won't even write, about the things i think about. We been talking daily, but it seems we have longer pauses of silence.
I find it hard not to think about him all the time, was out all day and he was on my mind all day. So space... idk if i can do that, I need him, but were going to have vacation time next week, so maybe that week apart, we'll miss, and have our own christmas, and can re connect.
None of the wants or love or desires of being together have went away. Its just things have been slow and depressing between us. I feel like we havent been able to pick things up since he's left from our first visit. And the distance messes with my head. Everything seems so much harder, and the fear or losing him is that much scarier.
I want to be intresting, and more then... idk what im getting at, i just feel a bit lost with us right now.
Which scares me, because we been talking and planning thoughts about our future. After meeting his family the talk of starting a life together, and with my fears, im getting scared. Not of being with him, I know he is the one, its just him. But of being less then he thought. It's only 9 months apart. We made it 2 years apart, and seeing eachother in 3 and a half, and just feeling like im losing his intrest. It scares me about our future. What if this happens when were together?
He reassures me, and loves me. I love him so much i can't even express how much. I just feel like i need to work on me, my self issues, and be more right now. I don't know where to go from here, or how to pick up.... Past few days I been a nervous wreck, and now i feel like i need to do something.
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This happens to me and kyle constantly. Well, not so much kyle but me. I feel like he loves me less. Like Im not enough. Like if he is missing me so much he should want to talk to me and we should want to talk to eachother and be able to go on for hours like we used to. And im such a freak ill get it in my head that this must mean our relationship is dieing out and im going to lose him. You can let this get to you. Cause it will turn into fights and maybe a real break up.
Im sorry you feel this way :/ I usually dont reply to these i just read but.. I feel how you do too.