Stupid

kiara_silver started a blog post Stupid
January 23, 2012, 05:57 PM
Stupid

It seems like as soon as things start to get a little better then it all goes to crap. We have something strong, and real. I need to just focus on this, and stay calm, and not let words get to me. But its hard to do sometimes. Got a update on my dads feelings, and there still not good. Same stuff, that im not thinking clearly that im thinking with my cooch... (my dad can be vulgar) that im trusting Nathan to much, and he seems fishy. Why is he doing so much for me? How is he affording this all why am i letting him take care of me, which then led to, im just mooching off him, and i have nothing to show for myself, i've wasted my life. That these past two years if i wasn't in school i should have been working. Which then goes to my already guilts and issues about me not working.
Things lately just been hard, I at times want to just give up completely and be non existent. I don't want to feel like im useless, i dont want to be hurt by words, i dont want to feel frustrated. I don't want to hate myself for being so unaccomplished. And i wish i could disappear, or run away. It's all overwhelming.

And to top all this off my poor Nathan is having his own problems, he has so much stress riding up on him, and things are hard and he hasn't been getting the sleep he needs. And im scared he's going to slip back into that place he was just getting out of. This time i won't be so weak for him, I know i can be there for him.... well... as much as i can be there for him from a distance. I hate this long distance so much. Right now though I hate me, I don't like where i am right now. Feeling lost and alone.
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4 comments
- #2
  
  Alayna commented
  
  January 23, 2012, 07:49 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Your parents need to back off.. Family councling?
  I really hope nathan doesnt slip back into that state of mind. Its not a nice place to be.
  Hang in there hun. Remember only so many days left until this nightmar is over and your in is arms
- #3
  
  usmcgirl commented
  
  January 23, 2012, 07:50 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Life is like that sometimes; things get going good, and everything falls apart again. No matter what, you're not alone. You've got all of us at LFAD, plus you've got Nathan. A good quote to live by: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." I know things are tough with your dad right now - I'm in almost the same position - but eventually, he'll come to grips with the fact that if he doesn't accept your guys' relationship, he's going to lose you. And I don't know your dad, but I'm betting he probably doesn't want to lose his daughter. I'm always here if you need to talk. I hope things get better hun. Stay strong.
- #4
  
  kiara_silver commented
  
  January 23, 2012, 07:56 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Thanks you guys, I say im not going to let this bother me, but it still hurts. My grandma called me and she said the same thing about he's going to lose me if he doesn't learn to talk to me. And as an adult not as a child. I may not have work right now, but I am not living under his roof and i am a legal adult, he really can't control me or have any say in what I do. My aunt said that he said he could stop me from going. And she told him what's he going to do? Im 19, he can't stop me. And he said theres ways, he can get my visa revoked (Im not going on a visa so ha) Or that interfere with my passport or something. It's all just talk. But he's my dad, so it still stings. But I am better now. Vented it out, and tomorrows mine and Nathan's day, so going to just surround myself in love.
  
  But thanks for hearing me out, my little family rants and drama, thanks for the positive feedback and support!
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