Im a bit confused, okay im a lot confused about everything. It shouldn't be this hard! I feel like everything is more complicated then it should be, and maybe it isn't complicating at all maybe its simple but im making it complicating? I don't know where im headed, at times I do, but then things throw me off. I thought I was headed for the fairytale, but it seems like getting here is going to be more difficult. Im getting older, and im more confused. I want to be excited about going to scotland, and 75% of me is. But the comments and reality gets to me. It really is the same issues me not supporting myself, leaning on him. Which for this trip im starting to accept it, and i feel okay with this. Then the guilt sets in, of im okay with him taking care of me. But we just repeat this conversation so im really just accepting it, that this is just one trip, and its only one year out of the rest of our lives. I'll have my chance to support him. But noe its the comments that just hurt. I've gotten over the vulgur ones or cruel ones about me. That it doesnt matter because i know the truth. But its the ones about me and what am i doing ones that get to me. Like the other day I was like in 4 months i'll be 20. Wow. And then i get, 20 and no job. I just stay quiet and dont say anything. Its these ones over and over.
And so heres my new fear, its after this trip. Im scared of leaving him, because I know it's going to be so much harder. Its hard now and we had a shorter visit, how will it be after a longer one? Im worried about him, i really dont want to break him.... He gets depressed and it scares me. I know how we feel and that our love is strong, but i get those stupid fears of does he deserve better? eh and i hate second guessing myself.
And then its the what do i do after? When I come home where do i go from here? I know im going to be missing him, and its going to be hard for him, but I need to work, because he cant be doing everything for us. And he's okay with trying, and supporting us, but he can't give me a garuntee where we'll be in 2 years. And so i cant just sit and live off everyone else. I always said by 21 I wanted to move out and start a life. And I want this so badly with my Nathan, I want to just begin our life officially. But Im worried how we'll get here, and I know I can't wait with my family, i keep hearing it from them and the more im here the more worthless i feel. From all of them, even my little brother when hes mad at me over a non related topic throws it in my face, tells me im 19 have no job using nathan. Here he is 11 years old, doesn't know what really goes on throwing this at me.
And then now, I hate the distance. I hate not talking to him, and I hate when I cant see him and know what to say to make him smile. Him going off when he has nothing else to do hurts a bit. I won't lie, but i've done this too so I cant say anything. I feel bad for every time i've went off now. It feels like im less important that he would rather go do nothing then be on with me. I wont do this again to him, even tho it hurts, it makes me want to be better for him. I hate this distance, and feeling far, and i hate moments like these. To be honest it scares me, And im trying not to let my fears beat me. I know I wont break but gosh the hits hurt. Right now I just wish I could be there for him. He really is everything and all i want, and my whole world and future. I miss him so much.
ehh and i hate hate hate not knowing how to be there for him
Distance sucks.I trying to be better, i dont know how to be better, i feel like im stupid, like i cant do anything. Im not a good girlfriend, daughter, worker, just i feel like im failing? Im just living.... taking up space. Im obsessing over stupid things. Trying to work out and loose 4 pounds. Like really? When I hear how i sound i do see how crazy I look, its 4 pounds but this put me in a whole i need to work out and loose it mood. I just dont know what to do anymore.