Has anyone ever felt that you were holding your SO back? That being with you is restricting there happiness? I have so many mixed emotions, but i feel sometimes that Nathan shouldn't be with me, and that he would be happier and better off without me. I don't dare say these words so blunt to him because I don't ever want him to agree, because im selfish and want him in my life forever. But the more we talk about closing the distance the more I feel bad. My family doesn't ever want me to leave and move away, plus right now, 19 no work, the only way i can see me moving away is in a good 3 years because this year im not working. But I know I would hurt my family. But if he comes here he's built up his whole buisness, and he loves it, he would be giving all that up for me, and he has more oppertunities there, work, medical, everything seems benificial there. Seems simple, move there. But it's not as easy, and then he talks about moving here, and i feel bad. I don't want him to do everything.
And then he's depressed, and pretty much has been off and on since he's left so i feel im damaging to his mental health, even though he says its not me, its been since our visit together. So how can it not factor in me? He's bored with his daily life right now and wants adventure, which scares me, what if he can't get that with or from me? I mean right now its hard, because figuring it out, and weather i move there or he moves this way, its an adventure, but what about after that?
And I don't want him to do anything unfair to him, and i want him to be happy. If he wants to go and pursue anything, i want him to go for it. But at the same time i don't want to put my life on hold and wait 5+ years.
Sometimes i wonder if us being together is whats best for him, I know he loves me, and i love him so much, but am i holding him back? If i really love him i would put him first, what does that include? Since being together, he's the one who has done the working and saving up, yes money doesnt matter to him, but hes payed for his visit and time here, his 2nd visit, my visit there, and then if we close the distance. So here he is doing all this and im to get more by having him giving up everything to be with me because its convienent for me?
I want my life with him, i want to grow old with him, i want to love him for the rest of my life, but i don't want to hold him back or be the secret reason why he's depressed. Let him go? I can't won't, could never say those words to him, theres thoughts in my head. I want them to go away, but hearing him hurt, i hate it so much, and i hate this distance and no being able to close it now. Im just at a loss right now, tonights conversation we had has me questioning so much, and im just rambling and my thoughts are jumbled.
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As for the no job problem? What is holding you back (except family) to go to his country, try your luck with finding a job there? You could look and do practicas or voluntary work when you are there? (I guess he'll be working at some point in these 5 months, so you'd have free time).
It looks good on a job application to have experience, to work voluntarily, in another country!
And then for the closing the distance! If you don't want to hold him back and come live with you, and you don't want to leave your family for good, why not work in his country for a couple of months, years and then go back to your family? I think it's not right from their side to hold YOU back on living and leading your life. Of course, I understand their opinion, my family would be so sad too, but they would never say anything when I would decide to live for a couple of years with my boyfriend in México (I already lived there with him for a year).
Well, I'm a bit older than you though, but you are grown-up (in most European countries anyways), so why not try how you'd like your life to be?