I was watching a show, and it was really sad. I was just watching it crying! He ended up dying and so the episode was her setting up the funeral and the flash backs of there lives, and the people who he effected. And it just got me thinking about how truly short life is. I was thinking about my little brother. Who I remember the days before he was born, how excited, I remember the house practically empty because we were preparing to move, and the day at the hospital. He had jondice (not sure how to spell it) like me, so he had to stay under the incubator. How small and tiny he was. And then bringing him home, I helped mom, me and him slept in the spare room. We hadn't moved yet so we were sleeping on the floor, just the blankets, and he slept curled up to me, I was fully aware of his little body, he woke up maybe twice at most, sometimes only once. His tiny little warm body, I would change him, sometimes talk to him and tell him its bed time, such a good baby. And now he's going to be 4! But I remember these nights so clearly. The nights at the cabin, sleeping together.
Then I think about the ones i've lost. I remember being here, when I was little, my aunt would braid my hair, tons and tons of braids, and instead of using rubber bands would tie the ends with foil. (Thats how I do it now for fun for me or my sisters) Just how I had looked up to her. It's now been 11 years since we last saw her, I remember those first months of her missing. The news reports that we did, just how times past. I remember my Grandpa. He had a rough life, I guess he was rough around the edges, everyone said he used to be tough, but I never saw the mean side. Yeah he would scold you if we were loud or bad but never was he scary. My cousins come over, there loud and sometimes brats, oh they would never do that when grandpa was around lol They all knew we had to be quiet and good, had chores to do, but yet everyone loved coming and seeing grandpa. He would take us out to ride horses. Me and him would get subway and watch movies. Its been about a year and a half since he's passed. When he really shouldn't have, life can just come and go.
All these memories just hitting me from this episode. Life really is so short. So much can happen, so much time passes, I don't want to take my life for granted. I worry about such silly stupid petty stuff. I have dumb worries about is he talking to someone else? Stupid stuff and don't look at the bigger picture. How fortunate I am. I get depressed being home alone, and feeling insufficient and useless. But here I am alive, healthy. I have someone who im so in love with, I have an amazing family. Here I am going to experience new things this year. Im young and have so much life ahead of me. And yet, Im so ungrateful sometimes. I hold on to old grudges, and old issues, and don't think about everything always. Yes im human and I know i'll have selfish moments in the future, and i'll have my weak moments. It's inedible. I'll probably have a break down tomorrow over something stupid. But right now, I just am so grateful to be alive, and well and to have the love of my loved ones. That tomorrow is the start of a new week. Im going to be positive! Im going to flip my mattress and not sleep on it lol Going to leave it alone till Nathan comes haha. Im going to make my soup and watch sappy movies. I may not have any priorities at this moment, But you know what, im not going to be lazy always, and as soon as I come back and hustle im going to miss being able to relax. So i may as well enjoy it for now. Im going to finish my poster for once all in one day! Then finish my surprises for when he's here. I have that and his other gift to wrap thats just been sitting in my closet. I've had for awhile. Im going to just try and try to focus on the positives.

On keeping this LDR related, 12 days until I see my baby. Still a little ways away but just a little, I remember when he just left and how it felt so far, thinking I wouldn't make it. But time passes no matter what, and now it's less than 2 weeks away!! Talked to my grandma today, about the whole transportation. Until now I hadn't discussed it. She's taken that day off so she can drive me to the airport, she thinks her and my aunt and her family will make it a day up that way. But was just thinking how im for sure 100% going. I have no reason to worry or fear about my parents. Im slightly looking forward to it. Because I...kinda... lol wanna be a little.. mhmm confident? In front of them when Nathan's here. I want them to see im not afraid of travelling by myself, im madly in love. And I hope they see just how much he loves me and that this is the real deal. It's not just a teen love. It's so much more then that. And! At this moment, im not afraid of flying, I wish I were going right now. Young girls travel by themselves all the time. I'll be okay and make it there safe. (Course, when it's the day of i'll be freaking out lol) Ahh okay im just having a feel good moment, I'll stop rambling. Going to make tomorrow a good day! As of right now, it's been a bit hard, and I kind of feel, like he doesn't want to talk to me? Mhmm not that, he wants to but it's like he has no energy to? I can't describe, but! Im going to keep showering him with love and be there for him and let him know that his girl is crazy about him no matter what mood he's in! Mhmm and that im so so so excited to see him in less than 2 weeks!!! Ahhh!!! lol Can't wait!!!