Okay so, today my baby talked to me about my self image issues. Kind of out of the blue, but he asked me why I worry so much and obsess. I told him I don’t know why. But thinking about it and what goes through my mind. I guess its just my insecurities and my confidence. For one, I used to be a bit heavier, I lost, not a ton but I lost a lot, 48 pounds. So I been there, I remember when I went shopping once with my dad, in one of these teen shops and I was so happy I wanted to cry because I fit! I could wear almost anything in that store. I was like omg dad I fit. This memory always sticks with me. It feels good to fit, so theres always this small fear that I’ll go back to my old self. The me who always wore her hair down to cover her face. But then theres the part of me who wants to look good for my man. I get so paranoid sometimes, because he’s seen models, and his friends there so so pretty. And then I wouldn’t say im reserved, but I don’t wear short shorts, or show off my tummy or would wear a bikini. So the girls that do that he’s around. Idk I compare myself sometimes, which is stupid because he’s seen me, he knows what I look like and I turn him on. Plus he’s in love with me for me! Not how I look so theres no need. I wasn’t obsessing today, but him brining it up has put it on my mind. I don’t want to obsess anymore. The scale is evil lol I am beautiful in my own way. My imperfections make me, me. I have to remember and remind myself, that I have my own features that make me attractive, and that he’s seen me, and likes what he see’s so I don’t have to worry if this outfit makes me look fat, or do I look okay in this, can I wear this for him ect. I worry and stress over nothing, I like to eat, and I eat a lot. Seriously I can eat. I can’t help it, I try portioning but then im just hungry a half hour later. So ill be me. The me at those rare times were I feel good about myself. I wanna be the confident me. Mhmm anyways done with the ranting.
On other news. Okay did you know they have a ovulation test? Like a pregnancy test but it tells you when you’ll ovulate. Lol I want it. Just to know. I wonder if Nathan would get it for me if I asked him? Just to know, lol am I weird?
But today has been, okay? Not sure. And then other thoughts came up, but I wanna talk about it with him, but I don’t wanna come off as controlling or… idk. Lol just from the conversations and things I read, I want to know if he would or what he would think. I am so bad, like seriously if I could I would lock him up and keep him to myself lol No but, just got me thinking today, from the show I watched, to the conversation had to what I read. Lots on my mind.
And then okay. Him! He scares me. Not in a bad way, but not a good way. Like he’s not doing it on purpose, but im worried. Im worried about him, im worried about how he will be when he’s here, im worried about how he’ll feel when im there, and if things stay the same as they are now… just idk. I don’t know what to do to make him feel better. And it scares me. I hope when he comes I can take away all his stress. If not, Idk…. Distance is hard and sucks.
But to end this with a positive 5 days 18 hours until he’s here! And I can’t wait to see him. I miss him so bad, I miss his strong tight hug, I miss his scent, I miss his voice that close. I just can’t wait.
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kiara_silver started a blog post Sorry for another blog so soonSorry for another blog so soon
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And about the ovulation test. It's kinda funny, I stumbled upon something a little while ago that I keep wanting to try out, it's called "natural family planning" and it's a way of figuring out when you're ovulating/not ovulating, so which time are best to get pregnant or avoid pregnancy. I even bought one of the basal thermometers and am trying to track my temperature but it's hard to remember, especially since I work weird shifts sometimes so I can't always wake up at the same time. And there are other things that go along with it but it's something that takes a long time to figure out, but I just thought I'd mention it because I thought it might be worth it for myself to figure it out, even just for interest's sake, and so maybe others would find it interesting too. But you could also just get an ovulation test, would probably be simpler and quicker! lol
And don't worry I have a feeling the insecurities and worries will all clear up when you are able to be with him again.
And aww! 5 DAYS! How long is he staying this time?
But about the ovulation test was only curious because im pretty sure i'll be ovulating at one point he's here. So was just the curiosity part. Don't think i'd go get it. But it's good to know your body. Going to google NFP though! And will look around and see about the "natural family planning"
And he'll be here in 5 days for 2 weeks. Or 15 days if you want to be exact. Then leaves and exactly 1 month later I head over there for 5 months! Woo!