Hot hot hot. I am melting away. Just got home from a mud run, took pictures of my family doing it and was nice. Now were back home going to have a BBQ before I go to my parents for a week. Was nice, I was with some relatives, they were asking me when I leave, and where im going. Joking and telling me im not going to want to come back. I may not lol It was nice, I feel like Nathans only away for a little while, because its so natural to talk about him with the family over here. Like we went to this mexican supermarket and so he was brought up. Or when we went out to eat commenting on what he would order. Makes me miss him so much.
Right now though to be honest, im a bit idk, not hurt... but i feel sad and lonely. I screwed up, was just a moment of high emotions and chaos, but he took it to heart and I can't go back and fix it. I do this a lot and I hate myself for it. But it frustrates me too. Because he should know me enough to know i panic and have freak out moments. Whats that saying, girls don't know what they want, because we go back and forth. I sometimes worry about the challenges along the way and if things will stop us and the distance lasting longer. I told him when he was here i was worried about this months distance, and he promised it would be okay. I don't mean as in us breaking up, but I was scared that something would hurt or bother one of us, and now i just did what I didn't want to. A few days ago things were exciting and great and now im praying to talk to him and make everything all better.

Iwant to spend the rest of my life with this man. I want to be his wife, I want his children and I want to grow old with him. I have so many stupid fears that we'll get engaged but something will screw up and we'll have to wait 3-5 years to close the distance. I have moments of panic, but in reality it doesn't matter. I can handle the distance, as long as i have him, and i can be a distant bride if I have to. Then I have freakout moments about getting my parents approval, even though I don't really need it, or having help from my grandma or aunt. And so i just was emotional about not going for a year because it being complicated and saw in my head of us being apart more then a year and some reason it taking longer and longer so i questioned if we are really ready. And i think i made him think i was second guessing my feelings. I would never. Never ever. He wrote he loves me, but it was.... was his message when he closes off to himself. I can see and read it in his words and i hate that and its worse at a distance. I wish i could go back. I may have just lost my fiancee. I want to go there for 5 months, and if i fall in love with the place, me and him could look to settling out there, and a plus if i go to school there next year. And I would like to move in with my fiancee. And now i made him doubt or... idk... Im still on the same page, I hope he goes back to it too.

On other note, seeing my parents today, talking. I am not afraid what so ever. Really its amazing i feel confident. I feel i can stand up to my dad. I think mentally preparing to face them when Nathan was here. And dad not saying anything, made me see a different side to them, and then seeing them today. Todays been good, more and more im getting stronger, and I know when the time comes I can handle telling them. Yeah I have freakout moments, my parents bring this out of me, but im getting better. Hope Nathan can handle this and be there for me and see that im just having one of my moments. I need him I hate when he leaves me. Not just physically but emotionally, And i hate not being able to be there for him emotionally. Gosh this man drives me crazy, lol I love him so much.


*edit*
Ah feeling even more cofident. Dad came up and was saying... well basically about me and nathan have sexing, but in a morei guess discreet way, not coming out and saying it and i totally held my own. Before I would be quiet and not say anything, but i spoke up and told him to stop fixating on it. My parents have always taught how if you had sex before marriage your sinning and that im unclean, but I am holding my own, proud that im with one man and am making him mine lol