Well I was going to write a blog yesterday and it was going to be a bit different. I've had time to think and me and Nathan talked and so i feel better.
Nathan recently got a interview for a chance to move to florida to work at walt disney world. This has been a dream for him, he's applied for this 3 years ago, just before he got together with me, and at 16 till now, its been something he's wanted. So great right? It really is, but then all these worries set in my mind at first. There was me going to college. The plan is for me to come here next year to go to culinary school, his parents are paying for half of the tutition. So a opertunity of a lifetime. But if Nathan goes to florida, no offense to his family but I wouldn't want to move to the UK without him here. Yes culinary is amazing and a dream of mine, but going two days a week, the rest of the time, without Nathan, or my family then. Just, I think I would be depressed being alone most of the time. So that would be a no, but honestly, I really don't mind, because I love to cook, and I can do that now, even if its not professionally. I don't mind putting on hold and going later in life as more of just something for me personally and not for work.
And then... there was another worry in my head.. My stupid jealousy issues.. There was the thought that with him in florida and me back home, then of course he would stay with people he knows and hang out with them, and theres one person I know he knows. He told me his closest female friend. And they haven't met in person yet, the first time he met me, he was going to meet her and some others, but ended up just staying the whole time with me. But there relationship, he cares for her, so yes its friendly affection, but with him all alone in a new place, and the excitment of first meeting, i let my mind wonder... Which I know is horrible. But then last night when me and Nathan were talking and he said about how committed we are but then he said something that I didn't realize just how much it effects me. He said "were not your parents" and i just broke down. I don't know why it hit me so hard.
I know its horrible, but i hold onto some resentment towards them, I love them to death and I know its horrible. But then theres there own issues, my dad loved my mom. And he swears on his life he never meant to, he never wanted this other girl and yet.... And being told by my nana about men, and just I know its horrible to worry all the time. Nathan is mine, and he has always been true, and I know he would never cheat on me. Thats not what im worried about but I dont want him emotionally involved with anyone. But we talked and him saying those words, and then i think I freaked him out with my reaction, he kept saying sorry he said that sorry, holding me while I cried. I think the years growing up in that emotional chaos, its left me cracked. Im terrified i'll screw up the best part of my life, the only one I want to spend my life with. And that someone better will walk by and take him or... But realisticlly its stupid. I need to re program my brain. I think I need to just sit and vent to him about all my past and family issues, get it out and move on. That not everyone is the same, and men are not all equal.
And now its sort of a waiting game, I don't know whats going to happen yet until after this year, what course in life im taking, what to tell my family im doing just yet until I know weather or not Nathans moving to Florida, so i'll either continue the plan and come to culinary or stay in the USA and work, just the unkown now. I, also scared about the distance, being here for months, I don't know how i'll handle this again, but Im hoping it wont be no 8 months apart again, thats just so long and hard.
I am going to pray again tonight that Nathan gets this oppertunity. It is amazing and he deserves it. This is the boy who has been to Disneyland Paris every year since he was a few years old. I am not exagerating, has over 200 disney pins, all the Disney movies. Just loves Disney, so to be able to work there? Please send some positive vibes towards him
And I hope I can grow stronger and let go of the messed up parts of me.
