Well decided to blog, and vent it all out. This might be a very whiny blog. But I just need to let all my feelings out. Things lately have been very....challenging. Mainly between me and Nathan, were not fighting but it's been very hard for us.
Being pregnant hasn't been to hard physically, just emotionally. I'm finding it hard to do long distance, I don't know how to do it. I knew I wanted to have his baby and we both really want a family together, but it's not how we both envisioned or planned it. It's hard on him being far, he feels like he's missing everything so everything is bitter sweet. And it makes it hard to come to him with good news because it's like rubbing it in his face, and I can tell it's not easy for him. I had a tiny scare a week or two ago and I was scared, but I didn't want to wake him. We literally just got off talking to each other less than 30 minutes, it was late and he had to be up really early for work, he's been working almost everyday since we found out were having a baby. So I didn't want to wake him, there wasn't any pain and it was once and light, Ive been checked out im fine. We talked that next morning and I told him then. I felt bad for not waking him, he was really sweet and concerned. Wanted updates the whole way, I won't ever wait if it could be a emergency again. But I know he needs rest, He is working all the time, which makes the times we do talk I want to be good and encourage him to sleep.

But mothers day was hard for him, he feels he's missing out on everything and everyone but him is experiencing this, with all my family being around and him not. So was bitter sweet day, I didn't get to enjoy it, part of me felt guilty if I were to try to have fun. He doesn't want me to be sad, but I can tell he's sad which makes me sad.
And then today. Big day today. I finally met with my new Obgyn. And I went by myself... I feel like most of this pregnancy is by myself. But went in, they had me do a urine sample... And I swear for the life of me I could not pee, point a gun at me even and nothing. The embarrassing part was after idk how long I kept hearing them open the door on the other side to see if the cup was in there, they must have checked 3-5 times. I couldn't even fill it half way. But I managed. lol sorry if thats tmi.
Then went in, answered all the medical history questions, and then the doctor came in. I had been fearing this appointment I didn't know what to expect, and having to wait half naked.... was really nervous, but was not as bad as I thought, she was really friendly and nice. Not cold or rude, upbeat and happy.
I got to see the baby! I really think I needed this,seeing the baby and how big! I mean its not huge still under 3 inches but on the monitor the baby looked like a baby, I could see a head and body... both same size lol but there on the screen was our baby. Heard the heart beat, it was good, Very reasuring, that the babys doing good, growing and I have to take care to help the baby be healthy. Then I went down to get blood taken. Im amazed at how much blood came out of my arm. 6 vials. The 6th one I filled it slower lol she had to do it twice, and untie the cord so more blood would flow, my whole arm was numb, but it doesn't hurt I don't know why I always freak out, everytime and then when it happens it hardly hurts.
I came home and told Nathan, I could see he was emotional but it was bitter sweet. It's hard... I want to have amazing moments I guess, like tell all this and be excited and I want to see him excited but its hard for him, because he wants to be here for all this or me there with him. I get that, but it makes it hard for me too, it makes the excitement go away. He admits its hard and these moments for him arn't over excited happy, because he feels he's missing it. Which then makes me not know how to approach him. I feel that all this should be bringing us closer and instead it is pulling us apart. Im just a reminder to him what he's missing.
Which makes it really hard lately, because I miss him too, I go to bed and I daydream about him, dream of him reminded of him and it makes me cry. I've cried the past 4 nights, things are just so hard between us, it's not the same. And we both don't know what to do.
He comes home from work and he's tired, which is understandable but he still tries to talk to me, but he has stuff to do and idk he has to eat and bathe and wash his uniform so he replies slow, you can tell he'ss occupied, then I get the thoughts... but its mostly in my head. Which is also why I don't want to complain to much, I don't want to push him away and push him to someone else. Like someone to talk to to get his mind off me and the stresses of work and everything, someone uninvolved. Which is silly, but it happens. I let my insecurity run wild sometimes...
Today was okay with us, we talked about all this though. How I'm struggling and he's struggling, that we don't really know what to do to make it better. It sucks, but this is what were in the mist of.
Over all im happy to be making a baby together,I knew I one day wanted kids and it was just waiting for the timing, and the past year I started really seeing us having a baby. I am so happy I get to have his baby, haven't met yet but I already love this little baby inside me. I want to feel the baby and see this little one grow. I cant wait to have the big baby belly. And Nathan is doing everything he can with the distance were in. He's taken on so much work and wants updates, looks at baby clothes and is buying to add to our thumper collection <3 He loves me and makes sure I know it. I just want the fire back between me and Nathan, I want the connection stronger, that urge to talk to each other. Lately I feel like he has no fire to talk to me, he loves me and he misses me but its no longer intense. I feel like im old and worn out to him. I think we talk best in text messages. And it makes me sad, i really need this visit. I need to see him, and have the doctors appointment so we can share this, and I need to hold him and to see him look at me and love me and make me feel like his whole world again. I just miss the old us. Its going by fast and we should still be in the honey moon stage I think, were engaged and planning a wedding and going to have a baby we should be head over heal that mushy love.
Im just feeling down and sad, I miss him so much....