Last year was huge, it started off with me and Nathan booking our wedding venue and me planning to go to college. It seems so long ago now. Well I got accepted! And then I believe it was 2-3 days later, I found out I was PREGNANT! We were going to have a baby. Was a happy moment.... we shared on skype
But then reality set in. Were still ling distance, I had to quit going to school, and we didn't know how this was going to work. Since legally we cant just be together. My pregnancy was very hard emotionally, I struggled being longdistance, I struggled with how I felt, and I felt alone. My Nathan was amazing priority wise. He got another job, and was working hard and figuring out ways for us to close the distance, but it was hard on him too. He felt disconnected and distant to me, during all this, being so far away. And because he missed the first three months when we were together it was hard for him I think to just jump in and feel like he was there for it all. The past 9 months I think were the hardest months for us, And there was a couple of times he made me question are we going to make it? Together. But I think a baby will always test a relationship, and when you come out and arte still in love, even if they drive you crazy, you know it's meant to be. He hurt me emotionally a couple of times, even if he never meant to, but sitting here now, I love my man with all my heart, He drives me bonkers, but I couldn't picture my life....or want it without him.
The last month of pregnancy was the best together. We got back to a good place, and we knew it was our last month together as just us. (If you don't count my pregnant baby belly lol) He even filled one of my romantic fantasys, was so amazing, candlit dinner, slow dancing, and ice cream outside under the stars was the most amazing nights ever! He made the best steak dinner... Im hoping he'll make again on monday but as of now he says im cooking the steaks.... but that's because I got a new cook book... but I perfer his.
I was due nov 25th, well the last week leading up to it. I think I was done being pregnant, I missed sleeping on my tummy or on my back, I missed having a bladder, I was tired of being tired. I know now I shouldn't have complained. Compared to some of the pregnancy symptoms I was lucky, no sickness or swollen feet, I more or less felt normal, only a little stretch marks, and I didn't have a single contraction till the hospital. I ended up being induced. Our November baby became a December baby. We went in on the 2nd at 6am. They set the I.V and omg that hurt!! My vein kept moving and so the poked me 3 times... and then after it's in it's really annoying, and I could feel it the whole time. Contractions didn't happen for a long time, they kept upping the pitocin.
The doctor came in, later in the day and I was dilated some so she popped my water bag. And ummm... wow. Before this I thought maybe my water had broke and I was leaking. It wasn't anything like this, I gushed. Was so much, and you think you emptied yourself and then moments later another small gush will come, I felt as if I pee'd myself 3-4 times. Wasn't a nice feeling. So that happened, i'm still waiting for the contractions to get strong. Chilling and eating. Me and Nathan didn't like the hospital food, but the nurses were wonderful, they were so nice and lovely. And thank you to Nathan's parents for bringing us food throughout. They brought burger king or mcdonalds, I can't remember now and I saved mine because I started having contractions. At first they were bearable, but then as they get stronger I struggled. It's a strange feeling the way they come, they build, and get to a peak of pain then they die down again, its not just ow a contraction! Pain all at once! No... it grows.... was a lot different then I imagined. I couldn't take it anymore. So I got the epidural. Another weird experience I cant describe. The shot it doesn't feel like a shot, you feel the poke and I really can't describe it, but you feel the bone? Or... it hurt, Nathan was amazing for me through all this, he sat in front of me, held my hands kept his head against mine, I focused on him which kept me from moving.
And then..... I couldn't feel anymore. Weirdest feeling ever! I couldn't feel or even really move my lower half. My poor Nathan was tired trying to sleep some on the couch next to me, and im all blabbing omg I can't feel, come poke me! My foot would fall off the bed and I would need to call him to pick it back up for me. My lower half felt dead. After this it was just a waiting game until I was fully dilated.
Finally it was time to push. Because I had the epidural and couldn't feel properly, it more or less felt like pressure in my lower area. I had to wait for a contraction, then push, but mine would come irregular so sometimes it be one after another, and then at times I felt I was waiting forever, it didn't hurt but it was extremely tiring, like I just ran a 5k and now im pressing weights. The hardest workout i've ever done in my life. I felt like I was going no where and I was scared if I couldn't push her out I would have to get a c-section, and that scared me. But Nathan encouraged me, he'd count to 10 with me and the nurse, then after each push offer me a drink of water, which if he wasn't there the nurse wouldn't have. And he kept telling me I was doing good, then when I got closer a bit he told me he could see hair. Then the nurse asked if I would like to see. I wasn't sure if I did lol but I said yes. Im glad I did, it helped so much. I could see her head! her hair, and when I pushed her come a bit more....but waiting to push was so frustrating! while I waited for the next push I would see her slowly sink back in....or at least thats how it looked. The doctor came in and the nurse went to talk to her, and a contraction was coming. So glad Nathan was there with me, cause he helped count while I pushed while they were talking. So more pushing fast forward to the final pushes, these ones hurt but didn't hurt... hard to describe, they were different, and i think i was feeling me being stretched? Yay for no tearing :P And then she was out!
That moment seeing her, it's like they say.... it was that moment where you see your baby and love them so much, just amazing. All covered in bodily goo, she was beautiful, then they took her to clean her off and all that. I know I cried, and kept telling Nathan I need to hold her, I want to hold her. It must have only been minutes but it seemed forever. Nathan didn't get to initially cut the cord, but he cut it closer to her belly button. Then I got to hold her. Doesn't matter how many babys I held, I was scared holding her, that she was breakable. She was so tiny, so pretty such a pretty baby.
We let visitors in all at once, but only I held her, she hadn't even been weighed yet, I was still naked just covered with the blanket, it was just because everyone had been waiting, we let them see her real quick. She was supposed to be born Dec 2nd. She came at 12:02 Dec 3rd. 17 hours of labor. 2 hours of pushing.
Me and Nathan spent 2 days at the hospital before we went home. It was hard for us at first. I had babysat a ton, and I helped raise my brother the first couple of months he was born, but it's nothing like your own baby. I thought I was prepared. Nathan had brought it up a few times that I had more experience, and I told him we'll learn as we go, but part of me felt better that I would be natural at this. I was wrong lol When she cries and you don't know what she wants you feel so helpless, and the no sleep would get to me. And the first week of breastfeeding, hurt so much I would cry almost every time she latched (Fortunately after a week of pain it now doesn't hurt!
) I have moments where I get mini breakdowns. And it was hard on Nathan too, it's all so new, not knowing what were doing. I think were doing good so far, shes healthy and smiles lots. So a happy baby, I love her so much. And I think when she's older and more responsive Nathan will feel more of that closeness. Shes a baby right now, she cries she eats, sleeps and needs diaper changes. Thats how babys are, and he wants to play with her lol Its cute though because shes more alert, so she smiles more and I think hes starting to see she knows who he is.She grows so fast, her first week she was so tiny all her 0-3 months were to big, she needed new born. Now she's a month and in the 3 months, in a week or two I think the 3-6 months. She's very alert and strong. She was holding her head up at 3 days old. She has a little hernia, but other than that she is perfect, so beautiful.
We got her passport and leave in 3 days. Only a month old and already has a passport
Nathan has surgery at some point, and plans to work when we get there, and im applying for college again. I got accepted once, hopefully they'll re accept. And were still planning our wedding. Aaliyah has her flower girl dress before i have my dress lol But tons to do in such little time. Im basically moving to Scotland in 3 days. Im excited, I have these mom groups set up for me and baby classes, I want to be a great mom and an amazing almost wife.
I've been so tired and out of it lately, I sort of been neglecting my man. I hope he understands though...he does but not fully, I vent but he cant feel how i feel fully. I think he feels I dont want him as much or I dont pay attention, and its not that im just tired all the time. He is too. We cant wait to be there and on a proper bed, the one here hurts his back and my shoulders, makes us so achy in the morning.
Anyways! Our baby girl
