First entry, huzzah. Let me just start off by saying I'm probably going to use this to complain or babble, and then complain. I tend to go negative with these thingies and only ever feel the need to write these things in frustration. Anyhow.

My name's Sara, nicknamed The March Hare by my beloved, who is my Mad Hatter. I've known my boyfriend for years, since I was 14, but we only just became good friends/close in the last two years with him finally asking me out in February of this year. I love him to death, he's the best thing to happen to me and I'm the one thing he's always needed in his life, as he continuously tells me. Unfortunately, as the title says, there's a lot of... well a lot of shit surrounding us. (not sure if I can curse, I have an extensive vocabulary but I tend to break into 4-letter mode when I'm mad)

First off, he's black and I'm white. I live in the deep south. My mother's in her 60s, I still live with her, and she's very ignorant in many ways. From the beginning race was an issue. When I showed her a picture of him the week after our relationship started to let her know about him (that and he's my first boyfriend ever, I've always feared/hated men for personal reasons) she instantly launched into saying how our relationship was an abomination, how if "God wanted us to marry other races we'd all be the same color", and told me she would have no part in us having a kid or getting married. It broke my heart. But she's also against this because she met my father through his sister while he was living in Colorado and her in Louisiana. She knew him 6 months, went and lived with him for 3 years before they moved back here with little 2 year old me, and ended up divorcing him when I was 6 because he turned out to be a monster. She believes my Hatter will be my father. I understand her concern, but I know for a fact he is nothing like my father. My father was a controlling, manipulative, ...molesting.. monster. Hattie (I'll just refer to him as that since he's not here and I don't wanna poke his name everywhere) is honestly the biggest softie I've ever seen. He's trusted me with knowledge that I could very well use against him, he's been honest with me and I know he has. Yes he hides things from me, but we all do that.

Another problem is my best friend. She and I have known each other 8 years (I've known Hattie 7) and in all the years we've been friends she's gone through 4 relationships, all LDRs. The first guy she dated maybe 2 years before he left her because he was cheating on a girl over there. The second lasted a couple months, the third about 6. They were both jerks and uncaring. The fourth was the man we both thought was 'the one' for her. He lived in Scotland and they were happy together even though they were constantly rearranging schedules to talk because of the time difference. After a year he planned to visit for a week (to attend Mardi Gras with us) but it fell through. 5 months later he tried again and this time was arrested at the airport in Scotland for having medication they thought he was going to sell. After that incident that left my friend upset (he was in jail 2 weeks so she hadn't heard from him and she'd waited all day at the airport) he suddenly did a 360 and became this paranoid, self-destructive pile of issues. He'd constantly text her when she wasn't at the computer, was paranoid about any guy friends she had, and would threaten to kill himself when she wasn't around for a while. She ended the relationship (after he'd asked to marry her during this fiasco) and for about a month he kept creating new AIM accounts, harassing us both and threatening to eat a gun. This was almost 2 years ago.

When I entered this relationship she was happy for me. However, about a month and a half ago she began pursuing a coworker and just flat out became desperate for a man so any mention of him was met with jealousy. Here's a girl dressing in revealing clothes, wearing makeup, getting manicures, throwing herself at guys with no luck and then there's little overweight me with the back of my head shaved wearing unisex shirts and jeans not giving a damn and I end up with a wonderful guy. I basically cut mention of him to a minimum to avoid the silent seething, meaning I've got really no one to tell the silly things we say or the stunts he pulled via webcam or the ridiculous way he says 'banni' when trying to get my attention on the phone. But, no matter. Last week was when it all hit the fan. Last Sunday, Hattie caught me on AIM and told me he'd been given a week off, which was a miracle. He works at the Disney World park in Orlando, Florida and ever since he's been working there he can go anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks without ONE day off. Kid you not, it's a disaster. He shyly pitched the idea of me flying over for 2 or 3 days so we could essentially hang out. Go to the movies, restaurants, sit at home and drink tea (we LOVE tea), etc. I jumped at the idea, having wanted to see him in person for weeks and I was pulling flight schedules and price comparing within an hour. He wanted to set me up with a room in one of the hotels linked with the park so he was going to see about cutting a deal with them on Monday since he works for the park. I was SO excited I was getting everything ready and got really nervous about my body (I'm 5'3" and currently 290lbs. I was 340 in January, so I'm losing weight) so I talked to my best friend about the whole 'what if he doesn't like me when he sees all of me?' deal and she automatically went rabid and claimed he was going to rape me, abandon me on the street, get me killed, give me a disease, just use me to get my virginity, etc etc. I tried to counter but she was adamant about it and kept assuming all I was going for was sex. I mean yes I desire him a great deal and he desires me (to be a bit, er, raunchy he often tells me certain things I say/do arouse him) but we both had established this wasn't some booty call. Monday rolled around with no word on the hotel, Tuesday.... by that time I was frantic. He had to be back at work on Saturday so the window of time was closing. When she caught on he hadn't said a word to me (wasn't online, didn't reply to texts) she then told me he had made me weak and stupid, because I had begun crying over it.

This man has not made me either, let me say that now. I have never felt like a woman, and even though he teases I look like 'jailbait' he treats me like a woman and an adult. I have NEVER felt attractive because of my weight, but since I've been with him I have been shedding pounds like crazy (apparently being in love makes you lose weight, there's been research) and though I'm not slim or even minorly pudgy, I looked at myself in a mirror one day and realized that he was telling the truth when he calls me beautiful all the time. He gave me confidence in myself, he makes me feel intelligent because we can turn from lame jokes to a calm discussion or even a serious debate and it's wonderful. So her accusation hurt me and I went crazy calling his phone over and over for an hour until I fell asleep in tears, and called him when I woke up only to get a text shortly after the 3rd try that he couldn't talk. He called me later and explained that he had been called back into work and on top of that was in management training since he'd just gotten promoted the week before. He apologized profusely and I understood, but still it hurt because now both my mom and best friend could lord this over me as a 'being stood up' sort of deal.

I basically have no support on my end and he's been thrust into ungodly hours and we go days without talking. I text him every day when I get up, something cheery or just an 'I love you' so he at least has something from me that day. I'm not mad at him for this, I'm mad at Disney. Tonight he got off at 2 am when he'd been scheduled to work until 11:45pm, they just made him work more and he doesn't get paid overtime. He came home and was only able to talk for ten minutes before he had to go because he had to be back at work for 9. He's gotten sick before from working nonstop and has even lost his temper because of the stress. The time that upset me the most was when he was first working there and he was giving a guest directions and the man spit on him and called him a n*gger because the man thought he'd touched him. He's worried constantly that I'll leave him or I'll distance myself because of his terrible work schedule, but it only makes me want to actually BE there more. I want to wait for him to come home, I want to help him to bed and have his head rest on my chest so he falls asleep to my heartbeat.

He's worth all this, I just... I feel sick knowing I'm just a text or a voice and not something he can hold.