Kinda late, I need to be up for 10 tomorrow since I'm going to New Orleans to see Avenue Q with my best friend. FRONT ROW TICKETS! And for only $130. Anyhow.

I feel a little weird on this board sometimes because I have a lot wrong with me personally that amounts to me being a general moron in my relationship when it seems like everyone here's a lot more stable. So as the title suggests, this gets TMI since, well, I'm kinda bored (inbetween drawings and I don't feel like doing much more tonight) and I don't wanna beat around the bush or have to stop and explain for three pages every entry.

First off: I am a victim of child molestation. Possibly rape, but if it's that too I blocked it out. I was also victim of 8 years worth of verbal and emotional abuse. My father was a very controlling, manipulate man with paranoia greater than anyone I've ever known. When my mom left him when I was 6 she couldn't get full custody and all his vices and sins turned onto me. He made me sleep with him in the bed when he was naked, he HAD to bathe me because I supposedly never did it right and I stunk, I was ugly, I was fat, no man would ever love me because of whatever I'd done at that moment, I did not have a mind (basically he thought I was stupid and if I said something he didn't like, my mom made me say it) and I was an "ungrateful bitch". Because I inherited his temper, all my time spent with him was fighting and his mind games in public to make me look like an unruly child. I developed my lifelong fear and hatred of men from him.

It's also because of him that I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder aka "Shell shock", most often found in soldiers returned from war), Bipolar II, Anxiety, and depression. There's a lot more wrong with me like OCD and possible ADD (getting tested) and other things that can't be cured with a pill or therapy that stems from him. I was able to get away from him at 13 (completely at 15 when he and his lapdog girlfriend moved to Texas) but I wasn't rid of his persistence, his desire for pity because he was so ill (he'd had tons of heart surgery, was diabetic and didn't take care of himself, etc) until December of 08 when he dropped dead. I couldn't stand his funeral. All his relatives and friends telling me he was a good man. Does a good man force his 11 year old daughter to watch porn with him? Does a good man harass his daughter when everything goes wrong and she wasn't involved, leaving her with the instinctive habit to say "I'm sorry" no matter what? DOES A GOOD MAN LEAVE HIS DAUGHTER AFRAID TO EVEN HUG SOMEONE?! *sighs* Sorry, anger issues with that. It's horrible living this way, fearing men. Every man I ever see, I know will rape me, or that's what my brain tells me. Even my uncle, who's a minister of music and in his late 50s, if I'm in a room with him and he looks at me, he will rape me. My Hattie... my darling Armand, as much as he loathes his name, I never feel that way when he looks at me or when I talk to him. I guess it's a good thing. Heh.

I've also had trouble proving I actually DO have a brain to people. Whatever I do, maybe it's my manic highs, people seem to think I'm dumb or, as the State of Louisiana, the great state that it is, labeled me as of April 2010: ******ed. Yep, state says I'm ******ed because of my mental disabilities and my inability to hold a proper job. I have high anxiety, mostly social anxiety, and when put under pressure or I think my teacher/boss is unhappy with me, I have an anxiety attack and shut down. I failed 4 grades this way, only having to retake my Freshman year of high school. The others I did summer school. I spent my senior year in what's called homebound where the school sends a teacher with your assignments to your house once a week. It's usually used for pregnant girls and kids with injuries/serious illnesses. I went into highschool with a 4.0 GPA. I graduated with a 2.9. That's sad. I know it doesn't matter anymore but it kills my pride all the same. I'm SMART, damnit!

One of my worst moments in high school was the first semester of sophomore year. I was in ROTC and it was halfway through the semester and a new guy entered the class when we were being issued uniforms (I did not get one, I weighed too much) and me, being friendly as I am, offered to help show him where his classes were and help him with any classwork since I, at the time, was considered one of the smartest students in the school. At lunch break he asked to see the library and I walked him there. The library had two parts, the main and another that housed the fiction but doubled as a meeting room with a door. He pulled me in there and kissed me and I slapped him and ran off. The next day he had everyone in our ROTC class believing we'd had sex in the library. I told him to cut it out. The next day the whole school knew and was now of the mind I'd blown him too and we were dating. He got ahold of my cell number and called me every night, taunting me and telling me the ways he'd rape me. This went on for a month before I was too scared to go to school and I told my mom and the principal had him expelled. I don't even remember his name now, just that he stunk of weed.

I'm prolly gonna ramble on in a new post if I run out of room, I'm trying not to give a life story, just highlight all the crap wrong with me.

The biggest crush I can remember was for a friend's brother in church, when I used to attend. His name was Mark. He was a freshman in college, I was about 12. (roughly the same age difference between my Hattie and I) He was handsome, he thought I was funny, he was funny, and he was nice. I liked him for two years, I probably had puppy love for the guy and my friend Brenda knew and she was a blabber mouth (she was also slow, her hands smelled like period blood all the time, and she gave me lice) so she ended up telling his sister who told him and he embarrassed me by publicly telling me to stay away from him. I guess because the whole church thought I was a lesbian and some devil worshiper because I wore black. cont'd....