3 am, hah, always try not to act on impulse in these hours. It's why I have a bald patch beside my bangs now. He seemed amused about the lock, though.

I'm not really feeling very good right now. I think I'm starting to PMS, which is a majorly awful time for me because it doubles my moodswings and the past couple times drove me to such lengths of paranoia it was a wonder Hattie didn't dump me. I'd call or text his phone because I was hurting even though I knew he was asleep and wouldn't reply or was busy. He's never said anything about those times. It makes me feel like an idiot. Told myself this time if I thought about doing something like that I wouldn't. There's just a lot of shit on my plate and I've got no one to help me clean it up.

I spoke with Hattie this morning before he had to go to work and again he pressed the issue of my visiting like, right stat now. The word he used was 'procrastination', which isn't what I'm doing. I know he pulls these moments when he really wants something, it's sort of like another personality, but I kinda got miffed he used that word. Believe me, I'd love to be there tomorrow (today?) but it would be useless to spend the near $600, sit on a plane for 3 hours, and show up only to get maybe 10 minutes at 1 in the morning when he gets off work. Plus, I'm not keen on going when he still reeks of smoke. I'm not even sure he's trying to quit, the subject hasn't come up since. He only knows how to pressure in these situations and I guess the fine details don't really matter. I know this happened back in March when he was literally offering me a job at Disney and really you can't put pressure on me, I will crack, and it took 3 separate times for me to tell him no and I'm not sure he even thinks I gave that ultimatum sometimes.

But, that's just a rant, he isn't bullying I just don't take to any sort of pressure well. There are just some days where I feel I'm the one dropping my world for him, shifting my priorities and taking the big steps. He wants me to move out there with him, to get on a plane, just generally come to him. I'm scared, honestly I am. I'm scared to move away from everything I've ever known, to be 700 miles away from any familiar face, ...to grow up. I'm scared he'll try to make me become wholly independent, and I can't be, I know this. I'm too unstable and despite the fact I can be strong when I need to, I crumble so much more. I can handle a job, college, maybe living with someone that isn't my mother, but I still need the training wheels on my bike, figuratively. I'm scared I'll screw up and he'll realize I'm not the person he thought I was and dismiss me.

Despite the advice in my "Will They Want Me As Much In Person?" thread that I've been trying to take, I'm scared shitless of meeting him and, ultimately, him seeing me naked. I was showering today and my brain floated off and I thought about if he was there and walked in and I had to sit down and stop myself from crying. Even trying to imagine him accepting my body, the pock-marked roll and bulged thing that it is, didn't help me and I just became frightened. I'm so self-conscious, more than other girls and it's my dad's fault. 8 years of telling me I'm ugly, fat, that I constantly smell and will never be wanted override 3 months of being told the opposite. What's worse, my libido's upped itself so not only am I frightened of being seen naked, I'm scared of being seen as a whore. He's told me before that all his relationships in the past were very screwed up because they either were with him for the sex/his money/boredom or he messed them up because he was sexually abused as a child and ended up with a warped view of sex, so he's pretty scared of being genuinely intimate. I don't want to get there, jump his bones, and be thrown away because he thinks I'm like the others.

I'm always scared of the "what if"s and every therapist I've had tells me not to be. I can't help it. I am seriously so screwed up in the head that there are days I question why I wasn't forcefully admitted. I've had my psychiatrist strongly 'advise' I be admitted three times last year, but she never forced me. Those outpatient ones aren't much help, the last one was a damn rehab center that served hospital food and only lectured on things none of us had for 5 hours. He knows I'm on medication, he knows what's wrong with me, but it's like it doesn't sink in until I tell him I skipped a dose and I act like I need them.

I hate being scared, and I don't ever tell him. I don't ever tell anyone my problems anymore because I get yelled at/ignored/or told their lives are worse. The pity makes me feel awkward. I just want him, but I'm scared I'll end up being everything he doesn't want. He's the only man to want to be with me, he's the only man I've never feared because my twisted mind thought he might rape me. I was made for him, but I think I was carved carelessly.

Help?