HAH quoting the musical WICKED now. Fun times, you guys.

I've learned in my life, if I think too much on what I want to happen, it won't happen. Coincidence, maybe, but I don't believe in them. But still I can't help but daydream obsessively when I think something might happen, which works me up. I did it when I thought I'd be able to see Hattie and that fell through.

After this morning when I finally, after a month and a half, mustered the courage to ask him if it was alright if I looked for jobs for him here and he said yes, it's all I can think about. It's going to be hard. Every site is telling me it's better that he know when he'll be in the state he wants the job in or be in it already and I'm not sure he wants to go so far as to say "this is what I want, it's not just a side option." I have money tucked away, I could help him move here, we could split an apartment and I could use my mother's foodstamps to buy us groceries. I'm not sure about a car, though. I don't exactly have that much and I don't have a license to even get a used one. I'm also not sure how long it'd take him to get a job since I'm not sure what he does or is willing to do.

I've been mapping out all the possibilities, thinking of things I need to do before then, and I realize I need to quit because it may never happen, he may never move here even if I could secure him a job instantly--which I can't. He's so used to going the back way through contacts, getting what he needs under the table so I'm not sure he knows how to take the conventional route and I'm not exactly well-versed on it all myself. I mean I've never held a real job and I can't. I want him to be here with me, even if it's for a little while. I'm too scared to move away, I still feel like a kid, but if he came here I could relax and take care of him without leaving everything I've known for 18 years. I want this to happen, it needs to, I'll work myself ragged to try.

But it probably won't.