6 am. Went to bed about midnight since I've forced myself into the habit of being up at 7 am in hopes of catching Hattie before work. Sometimes he's up early, sometimes it's about 9, sometimes noon depending on his hours. Really tiring and I haven't caught him in a while (ONCE he got on an hour after I'd given up and crashed again, BLARGH!) but I figure it's better than sleeping until 4pm like my mom lets me do. I hate that because she's done stuff all day, I'm up and ready to go and she's exhausted. Right now I'm up because I haven't been sleeping well.

There are periods of time where all I have are frustrating dreams so I wake up annoyed/with a headache/like I never slept at all. I know what my problem is, I stayed up Monday night after we got to talk for, gasp!, an HOUR and he expressed how upset he was over not being around more and how utterly exhausted he was. After he passed out I somehow got it in my brain writing a love letter was a good idea so I grabbed some paper and wrote 3 pages telling him how I fell in love with the look he always has in his eyes, how much of an impact he's had on my life, some other sappy gooey nonsense and then for whatever reason brought up the weird (for me) subject of his name.

When I first asked his name when we began dating he gave me a 'false' name. I used it a few times (I'm weird about using real names especially since he expressed he preferred the nickname Taiga) and one evening a couple months later he asked if he'd ever told me his full name. I brought it up and he said that wasn't it. It steamed me because it was the name I used when I talked about him to my mom, my best friend, and what I had programmed into my phone. His father was European so he has a name with 3 'middle' names and the one he'd given me was the last one. He hates his name because it's associated with a fictional character he doesn't like. I haven't used his name since partially because I was mad I was lied to (I have trust issues) and because I didn't want to use it if he didn't want me to. "Well ask", you're thinking. Yeah... I'm not assertive, at all. I just assumed use nicknames but it's been eating at me that I think he notices I don't use even the 'false' name anymore. Then again he only uses my name if he's being super serious (usually if he's in a mood to reinforce that he loves me or is comforting me) and the rest of the time he calls me Hare or Bunny.

Anyway, I basically wrote in the letter why I never used his name and I wasn't sure he'd be comfortable with me using it even when it was just us (he told me no one in Florida, not even his employers, knows his real name. He hates it that much. Me, I think it suits him. Course he loves that my name's Sara Lee and I hate it so eh) but, and this is the part I regret writing because I'm shy as all get out, I tacked on that, in the bedroom, he'd have to get over it because when I.. peak.. I scream it, sometimes the whole thing if I have enough air in my lungs. *fans her reddened face* I've heard having your partner scream your name in bed is arousing, plus it's him I think about when I need to get rid of some pent up sexual energy so... *cough* Basically all my dreams since then have pretty much been him getting the letter and either taking that "how I fell in love with you" story wrong (I told him it was because of the look in his eyes, which always seems to be a taunting look that shows the ideas, worlds, and creatures inside his head and how more fantastic they are than what we have in reality and how he's basically dangling it over the viewer's head that they'll never see any of it, that it's all his. I've loved his writing for years, I think it's natural that's what 'sealed the deal', right?) somehow or he's making fun of me for that raunchy little tail end that, at 3 am, seemed like a good idea. Usually stuff I do after 1 am ends up being something I regret. Like when I hacked a lock of my hair and gave myself a (hide-able) bald spot to send him a lock of my hair back when I mailed him a box of tea.

I feel worse about it because last night we talked some more and he told me he's having a hard time dealing with himself because for 26 years he relied on and lived with anger, hatred, sorrow, and regret for his past and how he was leading his life. He'd sworn off love and all his writing blossomed from the negative emotions. He said he felt like he was betraying a part of himself by being happy, even if it was what he truly wanted, and his writing was suffering because he can't pen the emotion without directly feeling it. While he was saying this I swore to God I was going to hear the words "break up" and I got so scared, but he never hinted it. He's just unsure how to handle being a new person and he's conflicted on 'rewriting' himself and heading down a new road. I kinda feel like my telling him his writing is what made me fall in love with him first now is sort of an insult since I feel it's my fault he's hit a proverbial brick wall. He doesn't blame me, he never implied it, but I can't help but feel guilt. He's scared he'll shove me away if he feels he's losing himself, too.

The subject of him moving hasn't come up since Friday, I never got a response. I figure he's either still thinking on it or forgot, which is alright. It's just in these moments I wish I was physically there. Not like I could do much more at that point but hey maybe one of us would feel better watching me flounder for a solution.

He did get flustered when I called him my muse, I liked that. I've never drawn so much in my life until we began dating. He inspires me with the dreams he tells me he's had, random ideas, even dumb things like avatars or a song he has stuck in his head that he shares with me. Even before I came here I was drawing something I thought about in relation to him. I have another sketch waiting to be finished that was inspired by a dream he had in March I randomly remembered.

Still, I feel bad I'm doing better now that I have new medication (seriously, been on this ADD medication since the 25th and haven't had a depressed/manic episode since, even after he leaves. Usually I get super depressed when he logs off, now I get mildly bummed, reread our conversation, and go back to what I'd been doing) and he seems to be getting worse. What can I do? Just reassuring him that I love him and texting him every day to remind him I'm still here no matter what doesn't feel like enough.