...I hate coming to this forum. It's not that I hate any of the members or that I find something wrong with the site or anything like that. It's simply I sit and read through topics like the popular 'countdown til you see your SO' thread when I'm looking to pass time or genuinely post and I feel a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel I'm not the average LDR-holder. I'm not saying my 'story' is worse than others for there are those here that are at worse odds than I but I suffer all the same.

On top of the personal issues I have regarding my looks, being touched, seen naked, etc and the lack of support I have from those around me, I don't see Hattie as often as others here do. So many speak of falling asleep with their SOs on webcam, waking up to them, talking for hours on Skype or the phone or hanging out online together every day or every other day at certain times. From the beginning I've never seen him every day. For one, he's 6 years older than I am and, having known him since I was 14, he's always had jobs or college or the military. When we were friends I'd go months without talking to him because he was busy or didn't have the will to be online if something bad happened. When he took the job at Disney in January he was spotty but would come on in mornings or late evenings every other day or so, sometimes a couple days in a row if he was lucky enough. Dating saw the same fate and at the time neither of us knew what the summer would do and he, days after asking me out, offered me a trip here. I refused as politely as I could. A couple weeks later he offered again, this time for summer, but I refused still because I was scared to death for us to meet. I wish I'd taken those chances.

Like I mentioned in my first blog entry, in May we tried for me to see him for a few days since he randomly achieved a whole week off when this place was already notorious for letting him go 6 weeks without even a single day off. It fell through because everything was last minute and, surprise, he got called back in for work AND management training. I've only been on webcam with him maybe 5 times since March, and the first was the longest. The rest have been anywhere from an hour to maybe 3 or 4 before he gets tired from, you guessed it, work. We've talked on the phone a handful of times, mostly him calling me on the breaks he used to take when he smoked or on the bus going to work in the morning. Our IM conversations, which used to last hours, are lucky to be one whole hour now every other week. I text him every day, sometimes it's hard because I can't think of anything positive to say because I miss him, and it's rare he'll reply. I go so long without the simple comfort of his presence, much less a voice or face, that I sometimes feel bitter coming here to offer advice or just talk because my stupid brain registers it all as bragging.

Some people have asked how I stand going so long without him or why don't I ask him to make time for me, etc, and it's simply I can't help the situation he's in and that I'm ultimately in. I don't like it, I hate it, some days I want to cry over it or scream in frustration, but I keep my mouth shut and a smile on my face. He's depressed as it is and apologizes profusely for it, I need to be the strong one and stretch patience I don't have. I get asked if we've made plans to see each other. How? Even in the Fall how are we to know when he has off and they won't say "loljk" about it? The only certainty I have is January for my birthday, but we haven't planned anything yet because we aren't sure about his job or if he'll be able to find another. He swore if by next year he didn't find anything else there he'd move here, so there's a possibility I'll be spending my birthday getting him here to me. I try to bide my time with "soon this will be a bitter memory" but my track record with good karma and wishful thinking's not exactly pristine. I know I won't lose him, we're both too determined to be with the person we know we were made for, but I'm not sure I could go like Michelle and Frank and be away for 4+ years and not know his touch, how he smells, how warm his skin is, how calloused his hands are from fights and martial arts...

The time I do get with him I feel is somehow worth the days/weeks of pain. But there are some days I wake up and scream to him in my head 'call me! I want to hear your voice!'

Some days, I realize why I spent all these years never wanting to fall in love.