Not LDR-related but I could use some advice on this and I didn't think it would be good as a forum topic even in the ramble on section.

I'm not gonna lie, I do stuff to my hair and wear things that attract attention, not always positive. When I was 12 I got into the 'goth' scene because I was very fascinated with how elegant some of the women looked wearing only black and wearing dramatic makeup with strange hair. I cut my hair so short it could be spiked up, I used that colored spiking gel since my middle school didn't allow dyed hair, I switched from glasses to violet contacts and wore all black with black lipstick and lots of eyeliner and white powder. I was comfortable with how I looked because I felt like I was expressing an otherwise unspoken side of myself. I'd always been the good child and while I wasn't rebelling personality-wise, I was visually saying I was more than the nice kid and so on. It was also a minor "fuck you" to my dad who, for years dictated exactly what I wore and treated me like a baby doll, making me wear dresses and frilly things I hated and that were honestly ugly. A lot of the reactions I got were very backhanded and came to me through the grapevine or overheard in public. It caused me to be an outcast in church as none of my peers would come near me and readily spread rumors that I was not only a Satanist, but that I was gay because, you know, every girl with short hair is gay.

When I started high school I started dying my hair which was still short but was longer than it had been, just barely a bob cut. I wore a lot of necklaces, still painted my nails black and wore eyeliner, but I had left behind the goth scene in favor of just wearing whatever I felt like which just ended up being mostly black shirts and either dark green pants or jeans. I was still getting the gay rumor and because of this I had guys following me every day, mockingly asking me out or asking me if I liked my women shaved or with bush. Even my teachers disliked me and would threaten to confiscate my jewelry or even my books because I was a distraction. For one month my hair was a cotton candy pink (I had to dye it back before Christmas break because a band officer tattled on me to our colorblind band director and he said I couldn't play the Christmas concert--an exam grade--with that hair. He did this 4 days before the concert) and that's when I got some major looks. In 2005, after Hurricane Katrina, I grew my hair out, quit dying it, and didn't wear makeup. For two years I passed under the "omg wtf" radar because I was plain and wholly unattractive. (really, I did nothing with myself in these years and my school ID is evidence I was ugly and should've at least had bangs) In 07 I switched schools again, cut my hair short, dyed it auburn, and was able to wear my own clothes instead of uniforms to school. Again I became someone people avoided and it was only the few 'out there' students that would talk to me and the art teacher who, being an artist, could appreciate my penchant for looking different not only with my hair but wearing jewelry made from spoons, food, and other various things that just aren't every day.

However, as of late I'm noticing a pattern with people that's beginning to bother me and I daresay it's worse than when I was in my 'goth' phase. Granted my hair is strange, I mean I designed it. You can see from my profile picture it's short with angled bangs and the puffs are pigtails that sit away from the rest of my hair and are shorter, behind that the back of my head is shaved, not to the point I'm shiny and bald, but with that sort of military buzzcut look. I've always wanted to try that since I saw a kid's mom in elementary with the back of her head shaved. However, I wear a lot more colors than I used to, I try and look nice and don't overdo my makeup and just generally try to appear a little different but not outrageous. Some days ago my mom convinced me to get a shirt that has a print of a Siamese cat (I have a siamese cat, she's my baby) with long horns photoshopped on. I wore it to an Italian restaurant the next day and this gentleman in his 50s is sitting two tables away facing me complaining about everything in the world related to how the world's screwed up because you have to e-mail people instead of phone them and so on. I got up to use the restroom and he looks at me, points to me, and tells his buddies how they're even ruining shirts and that mine meant that I needed God in my life and to go to church and be saved. It made me angry because, dude, it's a shirt insinuating cats are little devils.

Today I went to lunch with mom and I was wearing a shirt that I'm sure can be offensive to some. It's a robin's egg blue shirt with a black and white illustration of a zombie Mad Hatter taking a bite out of Alice with blood spatters all around with the caption "would you like some brains with your tea?" I have a few shirts my mom thinks will offend people that I'm not allowed to wear outside (such as one that's a video game play on Jehovah's Witnesses) so I had checked with her to see if it was OK with her. She liked it, but she understands I have an odd sense of humor and that I like Alice in Wonderland (obviously). We're seated and across the way in my line of vision is a couple in their 40s. Seconds after our order is taken and the obtrusive menus are gone, the woman begins flailing madly, jabbing her finger in my direction, staring at me, and trying to get her husband to look. Whatever she was telling him wasn't positive and he looked, screwed up his face, and would continue looking over his shoulder at me here and there while his wife made a scene all while implying it was about me as she wouldn't quit looking at me or pointing. I've never had someone do that, blatantly scream and point at me. I don't even know if it was the shirt, the table was high and as I'm short there wasn't much to be seen, especially from that far away. I ended up so upset I excused myself to the bathroom, hyperventilating, and shut myself in the handicapped stall, put myself in the corner facing the wall, and sobbed for five minutes. Later on I went to the mall to do some walking and noticed I was getting a fair amount of stares in the same manner as that man's. It may seem the shirt's at fault but even wearing a plain shirt I find people have to openly stare when I'm not doing or saying anything even remotely offensive.

So what am I doing wrong? I can surely ignore them, I always have and sometimes it's even funny, but when you go in places like a cafe and a group of girls loudly laugh at you and say you "look like a dyke" because your hair's short and you're not in slut clothes (this happened back in March) it's very hard not to have your feelings hurt especially when you take pride in being just a bit different.