Like my title has anything to do with the entry.

Well long story short I went rather ballistic this past week out of sheer misery. It actually aggravated my schizophrenia, namely the voice-hearing, to the point I had to return to my childhood habit of sleeping with the TV on to drown them out. I think that was half my problem with the way I was acting, I got so little sleep and I couldn't be in any degree of silence. I know I MAJORLY snapped some nerves in my thread "There's Got To Be A Way" last night and, if you're reading this, honestly I'm sorry. This is unfortunately the curse of being mentally unstable.

At any rate, surprisingly Hattie popped online somewhere around midnight (I couldn't sleep) which I guess was because all day we texted back and forth, saying we missed each other, the situation we're in is awful, and we were both at a loss for what to do. I was distressed and I think he sensed it. We had a long discussion about his job situation, what could be done and what couldn't, and he told me how weary he's become because of the job. I told him I wouldn't give up, that I would find a better way for us both, and I received an unexpected response:

"I believe in you."

I can't tell you how hard I cried. I've never heard those words, always "you can do it/ I know you can do it" or "you're strong, you'll get through it". Never those four words, which now that they've been said I realize how badly I needed them to be, and how ironic the person they would mean the most from was the one to say it. It also made me realize that I need to get my act together and put goals out for myself, for us, and not be the bump on the log who waits for the other half to get their shit straight first. My plan, right now, is to stabilize myself and introduce myself, once stabilized, to the workforce in some way. Part time job, something. From there I'll either work here to raise enough buffer for moving and rent or get my license and see about a car, and move away. I'd like all this done before Jan 31st as that's when the spring semester starts for college, but I realize I have to apply for said college, then worry about scholarships. It's a lot, but I'm not alone and I'm doing it for a reason.

Today he took a sick day to spend time with me, though we spent most of the day napping (I had therapy from 9am to 11am but I got up at 7 after 4 hours of sleep) and so we got maybe 2 hours to just talk, but it was something we needed. We didn't talk about missing each other, the future, make promises we wouldn't be able to keep, we just... talked. And I'm proud of myself, he called me beautiful and instead of telling him he was wrong/lying, I took the compliment. I've always had a problem taking them, so it was something to swat away the uncertainty and just say 'thank you'.

Hopefully things will continue to look up for this too-long-stagnant tea party. There may be no visits after all, but at the moment I think making sure our every day lives are alright is more important.