Oh hell we all know I'm notorious for it.
This morning I had a mental breakdown when I looked in the mirror and saw this internally injured, tired, sad girl in the mirror instead of me. I spoke with the psychiatrist yesterday and she made me realize that I've been putting all this stress on myself to get better, be normal, get a job, get a car, go to school, blabla that I've caused my sleepless nights, my moodswings, and my bad days. But I can't just not do these things. Stress is part of being an adult, right?
I've gotten where by evening I'm dead emotionally or just depressed and I texted Hattie in hopes of a reply sometime later, to no avail. It's Friday in October, he'll be busy like every weekend but I could've used that little beep from my phone or that ringtone he insists I change. I remember earlier in the week when he called, Sunday I think, and said he missed my voice. I miss his too, it's the only voice I'll hear that makes me both relax and turn nervous.
And I realized tonight you can really love someone so much it physically hurts. I pulled up one of the pictures of him I have, an old one of him looking embarrassed that he's taking a picture in his bathroom mirror, and I just felt pain because I wanted to throw my arms around him in a hug, I wanted to kiss him, to make him laugh and smile. I'm scared to ask about if we're still on for January, I'll have more time now I have to push back school again because I'm getting financial aid that caters specifically to those with disabilities (mental illnesses too) but they take forever to process paperwork. I'm just scared he'll say no. I've collected so many gifts and letters for him since he moved, he won't give me his new address because his roommates read his mail and open his packages, that I'm tempted to tell him if he hasn't moved by December I'm hopping on a plane and playing Santa. Impractical, but there you go. I don't want to be one of those people who sit on here and say they've never met their SO anymore. I don't. It's just so inconvenient right now.
I love this man with all that I am, I'd bleed the reddest blood if it would fix our situation so that we could at least see each other.
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LadyMarchHare started a blog post Not to be melodramatic...Not to be melodramatic...
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I understand what you mean about not wanting to be on here still saying you haven't met yet. There are still many that haven't and I've felt the same for a long time. Everyone here is so wonderful but deep down you want to be part of those people who have met. I understand. I know you don't want to be disappointed about January. It seems though you may just have to ask.
And I'm not saying I have the worst story in the world by having not seen him, as others haven't seen theirs ever and they've gone strong years, but it gets very tiring to sit here and say "oh we've never met, I barely talk to him, I don't get gifts, yet we still make this work" and either be the Downer Dora or have people think I'm a bloody martyr. It's just how my cards are laid out and we both work to encourage the other to be strong and see the other through this when we stumble. But yeah, I'm gonna have to suck down that fear and ask eventually. I don't think he'll still be where he is housing-wise by then, but then I don't know if the next place will be better or not or if, even in that downtime season, he'll be available for at least half the day. As I told him, though, right now I'd be happy in a hotel room with shuttle all day if it meant at night he walked into the hotel room and fell on the bed beside me. I take what I can get.