So I get bad cases of paranoia. I mean bad. If I'm just slightly off, every bit of laughter is mockery toward me, every glance one of disgust, every conversation about me in the negative sense. My psychiatrist, after hearing that, kinda laughed and told me I wasn't "that damn important." Which I get, it's silly to think these things.
It also affects my relationship, has led to some bad moments in the past (though I have to add the paranoia was fed by my less than supportive ex-best friend in these moments) and one day I fear it may rob me of the only truly kindred soul I have on this earth.
Let me start my explanation of this entry by saying my SO, my Hatter, is a writer. It's how we met, roleplaying online, so my first impression of him was writing. One day he hopes to be an author and work from home, so his writing, which has always been phenomenal, is very important to him. He came up with a story idea two months ago he wanted my collaboration in, so I started up my half and last week we were able to get time due to him pulling a muscle and being out of work to start meshing the beginning together. A little in he became upset and we almost stopped because he was saying his writing had become awful, his style was gone. In all pure honesty I didn't see a change and I've been reading his words for 8 years now, I think I'd see a quality slip. I tried comforting him and we dredged on until I couldn't stay awake anymore.
Ever since then, when we've texted and brought up the subject of the story, he's always said I've surpassed him, he needs to work on this, etc. Bashing himself. This morning while bumming Gaia I read a journal entry he made last week about the writing, and instantly I felt like I was responsible and I cried. No, I wept. I know in all reality it's stupid and impossible to feel and believe I've robbed him of the one thing he prided himself so well in, but he's praised me so much for my own pieces and art that I feel like I sucked dry his own muse for my stuff and left him with nothing. He called himself 'broken'. I can't just put a bandaid on this and call it a day. I feel responsible, I feel like I need to say 'sorry' over and over, I feel like I need to fix it.
But therein lies the question:
how?
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LadyMarchHare started a blog post Madness Begets Paranoia, Paranoia Begets TearsMadness Begets Paranoia, Paranoia Begets Tears
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I know my writing seems better to me when I'm miserable. When I'm happy like now, I think my writing sucks. It seems to lack a depth or emotional expression. Others probably couldn't even see the difference but I can. The writing loses something. Is this the same for him? Does he need to feel a certain way to be able to get the flare back into his writing?
And yeah he needs to be in a certain mood to write it. Thing is, he writes a lot of dark, unhappy things and his mood pretty much matches since he is unhappy, but I guess it's his feeling hopeless right now that's affecting him. I've been trying to reach him to see if he's doing alright and give some reassurance, but he's not answering my texts.