I would've put this in my LJ since it's not LDR-related, but I feel I need some feedback and maybe a bit of support as I'm minorly confused right now.
Quick rundown: since November I've had issues with my depression that have gotten steadily worse. My Psychiatrist has altered my meds twice since then, neither working. I literally cry every day at the drop of a hat, I go numb, I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin just to feel better. I've been deathly afraid this would go on when I go visit Hattie and ruin our trip. I had a visit with him today.
First off I got reprimanded for not being the one to call in my progress reports, which I understand since I'm the patient but I have a bit of a phobia with phones. Because I can't see the person, it's harder for me to concentrate on what they're saying (even with Hattie I have to say "what?" a lot) and if I get answering machines, I panic over the time limit and go braindead. After that we discussed what I was feeling, how things were going with my therapist, and then he stopped me and started going on about how he's not changing my medication.
He told me that I have an identity issue. I identify myself as mentally ill, not as a person, an artist, a musician, or anything else. Because of this, I live inside my head, think negative thoughts, and refuse to get any better because I've found some twisted comfort in being that mentally ill person. Until I can get out of that, I can't be helped by anyone. He also implied I have a co-dependency issue with my mother, which on some level is true because I depend on her for food, transportation, and some other things.
I'm just not sure how to take it all and if any of it's true. If someone asks what I am, I tell them I'm an artist. I don't say "I'm bipolar" or "I hear voices." I don't have pride in being ill. I know I'm wrong in interpreting his words as "it's your fault you're sick, you don't want to be better" but what can you do? Basically I was chewed out for an hour, holding in tears (like I am right now typing this crap) and trying to figure out why the man can't just say "I think you need more therapy than meds". I swear he almost suggested the psych ward for me, too.
So, as people who've gotten to know me just a bit, is any of this sounding accurate to you? Can you read something else from what he told me that I'm not seeing? Or am I exactly as he described? I'd like honesty as I'll need it if I'm to help myself.
-
LadyMarchHare started a blog post I need to what?I need to what?
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Bluestars: Can't afford to. There's a shortage of them here and the wait time to first see one's 1-5 months. He's a good psychiatrist honestly, but like I said he's just blunt and a bit of an ass.
As for the medication, you are correct and I do know that as when I was in group therapy they always drilled into us that you have to meet the medicine halfway. But when you're thinking it's the medicine and not you that's the problem, you don't move forward much and that's been my problem these past few months. I realize a good bit of my unhappiness is situational but some of it's clinical but it's very hard to differentiate sometimes, y'know?
Having had time to think on what he said I can see the better points that Zephii made than he did and I realize that yeah I have some problems, but not to the staggering degree he made them to be. I plan on working on them as I can and if that's not enough for him, he can kiss my big round Cajun butt.