Not LDR related, but I figured people have been there, done that in relationships and could relate.
I had a best friend for 9 years. We met my 6th grade year on the bus during one school band field trip. She sat next to me when no one else would and proceeded to talk to me about video games. We grew closer over the years, I ended up house-sitting for her family when I was 13, babysitting her kid sister at 14 when she had her tonsillectomy, and even made her soup for after. I moved an hour away after Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and always made the commute to see her, bring her back here for sleepovers, etc. I helped her through her rough times, she helped me through mine. I comforted her when each of her boyfriends left her and even when her would-be fiance went crazy and she broke off their relationship after nearly 3 years.
About 2 years ago, things started going downhill with our friendship. We were arguing a lot more, I was seeing her flaws as though they were under white-hot light and we were becoming entirely different people. She started dressing more revealingly, she drank underage and when she hit 21 drank even more, she openly flirted with guys and to me she was making herself out to be an 'easy lay'. But still I hung on to our friendship as she was all I had left, my other friends leaving me because of my own issues that tended to bleed into other areas of my life. Last year when I let her know I had a crush on my now SO, she was so happy for me which was relieving. I'd always been the dumpy friend who never dated and made her look good in comparison. She was ecstatic when he asked me out.
Unfortunately, minds do change.
I noticed a month into my relationship she was starting to get more desperate for a man herself. She liked a co-worker but he was so far from her type it wasn't even funny and he wasn't interested. She had strangers at work asking her out and even offering one night stands, one of which she even considered and I didn't learn about it until a month later. Not only that, but as she told me she was becoming rather apathetic towards others who came to her with their problems. I hadn't noticed until one night I was in a bad state and told her how I was feeling and she said, "well guess what? I've felt like that for 3 years now. Good luck." It floored me. Granted I knew she had her own problems what with her mom constantly kicking her out of the house, charging her $400 rent when she's on minimum wage, her dad sleeping around and losing his job due to being a drunkard and her sister, the golden child, running circles around her. But there was no excuse for that.
Less and less I mentioned my SO to avoid tension and the subject of her own loneliness and I found out in late Spring she not only was afraid of my SO, but she hated him. She started telling me he was only in it for my virginity, that the minute he had it he'd kill me or throw me on the streets of Florida to fend for myself or possibly get his buddies to gang rape me. This was all coming from someone whose every relationship had been LD, granted they had all ended badly before any of them met, but I would have thought she would understand. My SO was trying his best to like her just because she was my bosom buddy, but when I went to him with these accusations and her actions toward me, he flat out told me he wouldn't judge my friends but he had lost respect for her. I decided then it was perhaps best to distance myself from her.
In July of last year, a month after I'd decided to try and not be friends with her, we attended a concert in downtown New Orleans. I have asthma and it's at such severity that just smelling cigarette smoke in clothes causes my lungs to try and deflate. Well the venue unfortunately was smoker-friendly and towards the end of the 3 hours I had retreated to the back of the venue to get away from the crowds. She looked after me even though she went back into the fray when I told her I was alright and it made me believe there was something to salvage if this so-called apathetic being would willingly get me water and check on me instead of immersing herself in having a good time. Unfortunately it was a mistake.
More and more she became hostile towards my relationship, started up her old habit of trying to out-do my misery by telling me how miserable she was instead, and finally it was to the point where every day was a headache and a forced conversation with me gritting my teeth as she told me about the latest thing with a penis that looked at her. In a private message on a site we both used I sent her a long, thought-out message of how I felt and why I could no longer be her friend and told her not to reply as there was nothing to negotiate, nothing to talk about. I blocked her everywhere but Facebook, but defriended her there and changed my privacy settings. A mutual guy friend I've known since high school informed me she was taking it badly and a few days later posted on Facebook that she was getting drunk in my name. I was livid, but I made no move to contact her and for only a month asked him if she was alright before I let go completely.
As of late, I've been having a lot of dreams involving her, whether it's us being friends again, her apologizing, me apologizing, basically any scenario that would see the fragments of what had been a friendship bordering on sisterhood pieced back together into a happily ever after. It bothers me a great deal because it took me a long time and a lot of sleepless nights to gather the courage to remove myself from her destructive behavior and influence. I think, essentially, it's not her as a person I'm missing but the friendship, the closeness, and the feeling that I had someone to confide in no matter what. I suppose the easy answer would be "Well make new friends" but I'm very tired of the pomp and circumstance of that. And obviously my sense of judgment is flawed, all of my best friends have been this way. I seem to attract the broken, the misunderstood.
Just thinking about her leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but there are days I wish I had the cajones to talk to her again even though I know no good would come of it.
-
LadyMarchHare started a blog post Bad Taste in my MouthBad Taste in my Mouth
You must be logged in to post a comment.
But sounds like your "friend" is using you... I don't want you to take this the wrong way.. but she is using you as the person she can run to for support, money, to hang out when no one else will; but at the same time laugh about you behind your back... it's probably better just to slowly just weed her out and then eventually just become acquaintances...
I personally wouldn't hang on to a friendship that was like that!
And she was using me, I figured that out a little over a year ago when she started getting involved in my life less and less and demanded my shoulder more and more. It wouldn't have been so bad had it not been the same complaints every time, all of them she could've changed if she put any effort into it. I looked up solutions for her, I gave her options but in the end I figured out she didn't want help, she wanted pity and some white knight to save her, which considering she dressed and acted like she had a hallway between her legs was never gonna happen. Letting go was hard, but it in the end had to be done.
Anyhow, if you have a desire to talk to her, just asking how she is doing might make you feel better. Sometimes, I think dreams can tell us something really important, so maybe she is going through a hard time and needs your help. If you really are just missing a friend, then I think you will remember why you cut her off in the first place if she acts the same all over again. However, not talking to her might be best. It sounds like you are on the right track. Friendships can be just as abusive as romantic relationships.