Now if someone would just give me a car. I will literally take anything, even a tricycle. But if you offer me a tricycle I'll hit you with it. Out of love.

I have spent the past, oh I'unno, 2 months, maybe, working up to a point where I can feel ready to stuff my things in boxes and leave behind everything I've known since I can remember. Unfortunately I'm there and I'm no closer to going anywhere than I was a year ago. I haven't heard from my SO in a little over a week and nothing about job possibilities within Disney which is what I'm waiting on. I can't pin any blame on him, the guy's working 7 days a week, 71 hours or more a week and has the memory of a peanut shell so chances are he either forgot or he's been too busy to snoop. I'd do my own research, but I have no idea where to begin.

At the same time I've come to the conclusion that, right now, college is no longer on the to-do list. I've lost all enthusiasm towards the idea of starting in June and really I'm tired of dealing with both the school and a program designed to give people with disabilities (thank God being bipolar's disabling, rite u guis?) because from the former I've been met with little professionalism and the latter is fighting me tooth and nail about wanting to do online courses. Thing is, the Governor of Louisiana, the mastermind that he is, has cut school fundings so that colleges like LSU have pretty much dismantled their art departments because everyone knows art is the first thing to go with budget cuts because it's not important. One of my guy friends from high school can't finish his degree here in-state because his major is a generic Art degree and two major courses required to graduate are no longer offered. Granted yes I could physically move to another school but I've already made clear why I refuse (read: I hate people and would kill my roommates) and so it's been a giant back and forth. Perhaps down the road I will go for at least my BA, but in a major like Illustration, a degree is not required. As long as you have the skills to pay the bills you could be a 4th grade dropout for all half the companies care.

I've also felt a stronger push towards Hattie and whatever life I may lead in Florida or Georgia if he decides to move back (really I'd rather Georgia, I like Georgia) because for the past 3 or so weeks my mother and I have gotten into fights every day. Some of them are minor, some like last Friday have caused her to cry and me to lock myself in some part of the house where I can't hear her. She's not happy that I'm dismissing college despite our many discussions on it over the past several months, she's still not very comfortable with my relationship, less so now that she knows I lost my virginity to him, and lately from a mixture of things I've been irritable and she's very persistent even when I tell her to please leave me alone and then has the gall to play the victim card and ask me why I'm being so mean to her, why is she being yelled at, I'm just like my father. We've had a strong bond since I was very young, especially after she divorced my father. Even when I was going through awful times due to my then undiagnosed anxiety and bipolar disorder she stuck by me. But since I began dating Hattie, things have slowly unraveled to where I don't divulge much and her attempts at trying to be nice are almost rude.

My family is driving me further away (long story short I have a 6 year old cousin whose mother is more concerned about playing on eharmony and drinking than her kid and nobody disciplines the child so she's a beast to be around) so at this point in time I feel like I just need the proper tool to cut clean my losses here and move on to the next chapter of my life. I know there's no easy way of going about it, you can't just end distance, but if I had some lead or hint of an opportunity I think in the end I'd feel less frustrated, less trapped, and less angry. There isn't a day goes by I don't think of how I would pack up my stuff, what I'd pack, and how I would get it all there and run through the possibility that I may end up with roommates for a while until we can move in together. I'm mentally prepared as much as I can be without any real direction.

So somebody gimme the map, let's get the show on the road.