I have to wonder that every time I hear someone say, "this is the worst time for me to be feeling like this" or every time I end up in some funk. I mean really, is there ever a point in your life where a big red arrow should be pointing to that exact date on your calendar with the words "have a bad day here"? For that matter, I wonder if anyone actually PLANS bad days?

That aside I've been in sort of a mood funk for... gee, half my life. Well, maybe 84%. But who's rounding up those percentages? Not me, I suck at math. Anyway, I've been in a bad place emotionally since the 20th, which was last Wednesday according to my calendar (located conveniently to my right) since I have been having the lovely habit of checking my Gaia Online friendslist and looking at the 'last login' times on Hattie's account. I've done this for months since it gives me a vague sense of when he's been available online since AIM doesn't exactly tell you when so'nso logged in or out unless you're glued to your monitor night and day. A girl has to sleep. Anyhow, the last couple of weeks he's been on at least twice every day for some amount of minutes (gaia will put you as offline if you haven't been active for a hour after you logged in or visited the site so it's hard to say how long he's on) with his post records amounting to nothing since January, when his laptop died.

Why this bothers me: I have no idea what he's doing and while I am not a Nosy Nancy to the nth degree it would be ever-so-lovely if I had some semblance of a clue of why he's doing whatever he's doing when he's obviously borrowing someone else's computer for this stuff. Also let's visit the fact he is not contacting me in these moments. Like Facebook Gaia has a friend chat feature and since I, A) have no job, B) have few hobbies that do not involve a computer, and C) have nothing better to do with my time it makes sense to assume I am, at all hours, available. But no, not even a PM. I don't think it would bother me quite as much if he hadn't promised me the last time he borrowed someone's computer and actually used it to IM me, that he would contact me again. So we have a false promise and a bag of "what the living hell are you doing that you can't take 3 seconds to tell me hello?"

That aside, Gaia also has a journal/blog feature like LFAD does. He rarely writes in his, usually it's some one-liner about something bothering him or a rhetorical question (as he has comments disabled) and I really don't check his journal but I usually go through that page to check if he's posted recently or to look at his little character person if he's changed the outfit since your friendslist gives you only a "head shot". Wednesday night, around 10pm my time, 11 his, he wrote this:

"I wonder if I should have kept this a solo narrative."

Why this bothers me: Oh sure it could be taken at face value since I know he's a writer. "Oh gee he must be talking about his book or something he's working on." My brain decided to take the ever-so-less-lovely route and translate that sentence into, "I'm regretting this relationship, I wonder if I should have stayed single." Bada-bing, bada-boom. Mind you discovering this at 4 am in the morning is not exactly the greatest time to have a meltdown because, you know, everybody with common sense and a working internal clock is sleeping and those that aren't sleeping pretty much don't want to be bothered with you. Despite having two days short of a week to think things into a rational basket I have not been able to shake this feeling especially, since, y'know, he's not exactly making an effort to talk to me.

I bring up the convenience aspect because the 29th (this Friday) is his birthday. I am unable to mail him a card or a gift because of the many times before-mentioned fact his belongings are practically public property with his roommates and from what I gather he doesn't have the aside cash for a personal P.O. Box so the best I can do would be to call him. If, y'know, he actually answered his phone. It's sorta kinda really hard to muster up the insane amount of cheer I'd need to sing to his voice mail if I'm still wondering if I need to start calling myself single or if there's some other issue going on he's not sharing. I texted him about 3:45 this morning hoping he'd respond before work but either it didn't go through (again) or I'm some semblance of public enemy #1 right now.

I can only tolerate shenanigans for so long but did it seriously have to come at a time like this?

This makes how many dozen negative blog entries now? Seriously someone has to be keeping score.