Long title.

Anyway to avoid making a million comments in my last blog I thought I'd just update. I was going to wait until tomorrow (well, technically today as it's 3 am here) to try and contact Hattie via Gaia in hopes that I could spark a conversation but I saw around midnight that he was on and got pretty ticked because, well, he's an hour ahead of me and he has work in the morning. Somewhere between the barely justified roid-rage I tend to get here and there, the feeling of "why me", I sobered up enough to shoot him a PM casually asking what he was doing up and jokingly added that maybe it was because he couldn't pass up the opportunity to use his roommate's computer without needing permission since they were asleep. I didn't really expect a reply.

Couple minutes later I got the short reply "couldn't sleep." Asked him why and again got a rather vague answer about him feeling bad. So I asked why he felt bad, he basically tells me that he feels hopeless because everything seems to be working against him and against us and it was really dragging him down. When he gets upset he hides from everybody. This is a mindset I've seen from him since... I want to say July or August of last year. I imagine anyone working 7 days a week on 12+ hour shifts and limited free time would, after a while, lose hope and generally become a shell of who they were due to stress and all that goodness and it's what I've witnessed in him as well as what he's told me. He once remarked that his "colors were turning gray", which was a reference to a short story I'd written last summer where the harsh world of reality was nothing but shades of gray as opposed to Wonderland, which was all color in an almost obnoxious way. It's also why I've been unsuccessful in trying to get him to get another job, he's got the mindset that the same thing will just happen.

Anyway, so I told him that sitting down and moping wasn't how I thought he should deal with it, because no matter how masochistic he is (and he is) I believed he'd rather kick the odds against us in the nuts rather than put his head in his hands and sigh. Gave him a big ol' pep talk about not letting the bad stuff get him down or at least too down. He thanked me, saying that even though I half-assedly apologized for the pep talk at 2 am it was probably what he needed. I also told him that we were a team and because of that I couldn't do anything to make things suck less if he didn't help me out since neither of us can do this on our own. Snuck in an addition that he needs to take advantage of the fact I'm up late and available at all hours and to contact me when he's upset instead of hiding in a corner.

I think he took it as well as someone who's up late at night and shouldn't be could. He responded positively and was affectionate so I'm going to go with my more rational thought about his journal entry and say it was just stress and feelings of hopelessness. I doubt he'll do what I asked in regards to contacting me but I think for next time I'll just have to suck it up and throw a proverbial rubber brick at his head. I remarked to someone earlier, I find it funny that an hour before I talked to him I was calling him an asshole and feeling like I needed to kick him to the curb but an hour after talking to him I was ready to hop on a plane to go hug him. Reminds me of the song "The More You Love Someone The More You Want To Kill Them".

I think I'll sleep easier tonight knowing there isn't a threat of my relationship being ruined and that maybe, just maybe, he'll take my comment of "I miss having your ringtone scaring the crap out of me" (his ringtone on my phone is Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up", and anyone familiar with the prank known as 'rickrolling' will understand that feeling you get when you hear it) to heart and actually call me once in a while like he used to.

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last journal and pushed for me to PM him on Gaia. I didn't really wanna do it, but you guys kept on. So again I play the counselor role to someone I care about and learn that the ideas that come to you in anger or hurt are the best types of ideas to second-guess.