I had to think a long while about making any to-do about this because honestly I don't feel like putting up with the possibility of getting the same treatment I did in February about my boyfriend nor do I really need a slew of "leave him"s, but right now I'm just a brand of pissed and hurt that has to come out and since it was bad enough that I had the gall to tell my mother, who is currently trying not to say "I told you so", I figure I better get this out in a more controlled environment.

The past couple entries I mentioned the fact Hattie has not been making any effort to talk to me, this has been going on near 3 weeks now. The fact alone I can't recall the last time he said "I love you" bothers me but that's just an aside. I've accepted the lack of communication due to the fact his laptop crashed and he apparently has not had the cash to repair it. It's been broken since January. Bout three weeks ago he begged a roommate to borrow theirs just so he could talk to me, with the promise he would do so again. He has not. Instead what I've been seeing is him logging in 2-3 times a day for at least 10 to 15 minutes on Gaia, the site we met on and are still active on, yet he wouldn't even attempt to PM me. A couple times he's logged into AIM and sat online for an hour or two then just logs off even though I set my status as "Available".

It annoyed the living crap out of me because here I am under the impression he has no free time yet he's somehow borrowing someone else's computer throughout the day and won't even shoot me a simple "hi". Earlier in the week I finally confronted him late at night because I wanted all this settled before yesterday. He was terribly vague with me (nothing new) and I didn't ever get more than two sentences out of him. At the time I was satisfied with what I got, an actual response even if stinted, because what he told me was basically he was severely depressed and I know that he tends to pull away and act like he's better off in a cave when this happens. I talked to him about doing that and figured from his reply he understood.

Yesterday (the 29th) was his birthday. I didn't know if he had the day off or not like he did last year so I got up early (despite being sick from drinking too much wine, I wasn't drunk I'm technically not supposed to drink at all with the meds I'm on so even small amounts give me headaches and make me ill) to call him because I couldn't send him a card or gift. My first couple tries I got the message "all circuits are busy" but then my third went through, but our connection was bad so I hung up and tried again. He answered with a "Hi bunny!" and then it was like he put the phone down because I couldn't hear him, he apparently couldn't hear me, and all I was hearing were maybe 3 other guys goofing around. I assumed he was with friends and even though I was mad he wasn't making an effort to try and talk to me by either talking over them or telling them to cram it I just hung up after 3 minutes and figured he'd call back or call me later like he did last year because he "couldn't possibly go his birthday without hearing from his baby". No such luck.

Right now I'm feeling very disrespected. I've tried texting him several times over the last couple weeks and none have gotten replies. The last time we had a phone call was the day I was leaving Florida to tell him my flight time like he could've ever made it out to say bye. Which, really, I'm still fairly bitter over that whole situation. I gave the man two months' notice to take off, he swears to me he has the time off, and the day before I fly out to see him he tells me he has to work the day I'm coming in. Well fine, whatever. Then Thursday night (I flew in on a Tuesday) it's suddenly "I have a doctor's appointment in the morning." Well fine, couple hours and he'll return. Friday comes and he's cramming all his shit in his bag and I get told he may or may not come back even though I was going to be in town until the coming Wednesday. Saturday it's "I can't come back or I'll get in trouble". I let him have it that morning but I'm still not happy with it. I honestly think he believes that by not telling me bad news he's protecting me (he has a big brother complex) but really to me it's a form of lying.

Just, y'know, whatever. I feel like suddenly I'm not important or that my hospitality is being taken for granted here. If he has the time to fuck around on a website every day he has time to contact me in some form. All I wanted yesterday was to tell him Happy Birthday and I was robbed of that because he was too busy clowning around with his friends. I can't send him gifts, I can't call him because 9 times out of 10 it goes to voicemail and he never returns my calls "because I never know when you're sleeping", and my text messages either don't go through or he likes to pick and choose which one he replies to which tends to be the 5th or 6th one or none.

"Talk to him about it." How? No form of communication is reliable anymore. Oh sure I could send him a PM on Gaia but y'know, he could delete it or not reply to it. This is old hat. I have told this man over and over not to halt communication, that I am AVAILABLE AT ALL HOURS, and to tell me when something's wrong. But nope. Nope, that's apparently too much effort.

All of this is probably unfair to him but I'm really really tired of feeling like I'm not worth his time anymore or worth his trust.