This is both LDR-related and not but it somehow all ties together. How? Because I say it does.

So far this whole thing with Hattie has been slow and a minor aggravation. I did send him a letter, he replied basically saying he wasn't ignoring me, he felt inadequate and like he was unable to properly meet my feelings and needs due to being busy. That was... Monday, I think? It's currently Thursday and I haven't seen him online so my guess is he feels ousted and figures if he quits the habit of sneaking on every day I don't get the chance to harass him or whatever he believes I'm doing. S'fine, I have time and bull-headedness on my side. All in all I realize this is him placing me on a pedestal and feeling because he's not licking my boots night and day he needs to grovel in a corner and cut the wall or something. It's a work in progress but really right now I'm just trying to beat sense into him and make him job hunt. Because really if it was not for Disney we wouldn't be having this problem. Yes it's his attitude but it's being incited by a dastardly mouse who runs around in clown shoes.

While I was waiting for his reply to my letter I really started thinking about my future. For a long time I had mapped out my life because I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of celibacy. Entering the relationship I found I needed to re-work things such as where I'd be living some years from now and what to do about college and work and all that because that can affect distance. I had already decided to attend college online despite everyone and their dog telling me it was better, ultimately, to go on campus long before the relationship and I figured it would work since I don't need to be in any specific place to do that so I could, possibly, move between semesters or whatever. I dropped the idea of college months ago for a slew of reasons and I'm getting a headache from people. My plans change almost every month now as it is because I am trying to work out what would ultimately be best for the relationship as well as myself but still I have people trying to dictate my life.

Case in point my therapist. She's a nice lady, honestly, but I've feigned being sick some weeks just to get a reprieve from the two subjects she won't leave alone: my learning to drive and my education. My reason for not driving all this time was the car was in bad need of a new everything. We got it repaired last week and so yes I plan on starting to drive again to get my license. However my therapist has been fighting me the whole time after I told her I decided that, right now, college was not something I wanted to do. And honestly I'm tired of playing "student". I had a hard enough time getting through high school. But she was adamant I needed to think about it or choose another college or just give it a try for a semester, blabla. I told her today about the whole incident with me resigning from the school and she asks, "so what are you going to do?" "Work on my art. As long as I'm good enough I don't need that four year degree." "You can't do anything with just a high school education." "Food services and retail, already did one of them." Mind, I started going to her after I had quit my job back in December of last year so all she knows was I worked 2 days, dislocated my left kneecap on day 2, and had to go to physical therapy and walk with a cane until about a month or so ago. So then she says, "well your knee's better and you said your manager liked you. Go back."

Uh... no. I wouldn't work in food services again, at least not in a coffee shop, if my life depended on it. For one it wasn't just the physical aspect, it's the emotional aspect. You have no idea how scary people are when they're jonesing for coffee. I was there 2 days and became scared of coffee drinkers. I've also developed a vomit reflex when I smell coffee due to handling filters the size of tires full of used and rotting coffee grinds.

I get she has the best of intentions, but you know the road to Hell is paved with them. I get it, I'm 21, I'm young and reckless and stupid and blablabla and so obviously I need someone to make big bright shiny signs to lead me down the 'right' path. It's my life, my future, let me fuck it up, would ya?

Anyway just thinking about all this and how I'm not quite sure the exact route I'm going to take (hey I have an idea at least) I kept wondering to myself, "if I had never returned his feelings and entered this relationship, would I still be where I am or would I have stuck to the plan I mapped out at 14?" And honestly, I still think I'd end up where I am, relationship or no. Actually, I think I'd be dead. But, I'm here, I'm in a relationship I don't ever see ending (even if I'd love to feed him the business end of my leather boot sometimes) and I've just gotta deal with the turnaround I'm at right now. I mean hey if life were easy you wouldn't see people jumping off bridges, now would you?