This is just me trying to work out some thoughts I had earlier in the day and is in no way some blame game. I'm applying logic here, not a pity party.

So as I've come to believe, my SO's job is the main problem here. He works very long hours, anywhere from 10-13 hours depending on the day, he works 7 days a week with maybe a day or two off every 6 weeks and the majority of them are spent with him in bed sick. Because of the long hours and the rare days off our communication has steadily dwindled to almost nothing and it has caused a great deal of emotional strain between us. He is upset he has to work these hours and cannot properly give attention to me, and I am upset that he works so hard for so little and feels very bad about it.

This afternoon while I was making a trip downtown for something I started thinking about how things were in the beginning, back when he had time to come online almost every night for hours, stay up late despite needing to be up at 7 am the next morning, and just have a general sense of normalcy. December of '09 he moved to Florida because a friend had gotten him an internship with Disney World. January of '10 was when we reconnected after a year of not having any contact with one another and he had just started the job and was working roughly 53 hours a week, even then it was 7 days a week, and maybe got one day off a month. About a month after he started he became ill, was running a 103 degree Fahrenheit fever, because he was being overworked and had to be out in the weather almost his whole shift. Three months later he got sick again, same fever same reason.

We talked a lot about his bad days at work, the crazy things he witnessed (such as Tiana and Naveen going at it in an elevator or used condoms near "Belle's Storytime") and at one point he mentioned to me, I think this was maybe March or April of last year, that he had been offered a management position. He was already having a tough time dealing with coworkers and his superiors just as a bottom of the barrel intern with a contract that would only last until August, if he took the management position it would mean more work and being around a lot more people that disliked him because as he told me a lot of the managers did not like him because of his nonchalant business attitude (he's a corporate demon, for serious) and he felt taking it would just subject him to their harassment.

I told him not to take the offered position. However he at the same time started talking about what he wanted to have done before we ended the distance (get a car, have his own place, that sort of stuff) and because the management position boasted a better paycheck, he took it anyway. What would have been our first visit back last May was thwarted because he had management training when he had been given a week off. Once he had settled into the position he began climbing higher and that meant more hours, more effort, and a lot of sacrifices. Because he took the position his contract extended into the winter months and I think October he told me he now had a "permanent placement" on their roster. I never asked what that entailed, I assumed it meant he was no longer an intern and was officially a part of the company.

Some of it makes me feel as though I sort of stayed his hand in the situation. I realize it ultimately was his want to be financially capable of supporting us, but naturally I play a role in it, do I not? Of course I have had no control over his reactions to the decreasing contact and increasing work load, but a minor part of me believes I could have prevented it or at least altered it in some way in his favor. Like I said I'm not placing blame on myself or trying to get people to say "Noooo it's not your fault!" This is just a rather logical viewpoint of what all led to what is, right now, a veritable mess that I'm not sure how to rectify. Mm. Maybe this made more sense in my head, I have a nasty habit of mistranslating thought patterns in words. Might be why all of my doctors believe I'm mentally handicapped.