I need to quit stealing lyrics for my blog entry titles. Makes me look like I'm 13 and trying to be hardcore 4 srs.
The point's probably moot to spend time relaying details I've explained not only here but in the Facebook group but this is more the aftermath of the severe amount of drama that ensued rather than a reiteration of the drama itself. It's both perhaps somewhat negative though I hesitate the use the term because I believe it's more realism than negativity/pessimism, and positive. Figure I do enough complaining around here that whoever pays attention could use a dose of the Mary Poppin's cure-all. And I can't believe I just made that reference.
The past couple of weeks there was much to-do about my SO, Hattie, supposedly avoiding/ignoring me and my general feeling of being disrespected. (see journal entry "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" for the joyous rant) Roughly a week ago we settled that argument with a phone call in which he told me plainly "you are not being avoided". Last Friday we talked briefly and it seemed things were going well in terms of rekindling somewhat reliable communication even if it was just text messaging. Monday morning I received a short private message from him on Gaia as we don't e-mail each other, telling me he had smashed his phone over the weekend, his new phone the one that was replacing the one that broke over a week ago, and if I had been trying to call/text him that was why he hadn't responded. Which was all well and good save for his reason was he had spent the weekend with his son and got into an argument with the mom, an ex-girlfriend of his, and that's why he smashed it.
Long story short I never had been made aware he had a child and the subject was breached so casually common sense didn't kick in about why he addressed it in that manner until I had already started a fight with him. The night we began our relationship, in the attempt to know more about each other, ask one another questions we wanted answers to, we basically had an hour-long dual confession session that ended with us running out of questions and just spouting things we thought the other might want to know in a huge paragraph. Granted we've learned more things the "normal" way down the road but that was pretty much the "if you have dirty laundry air it out now" time. He believed he had told me about this kid beforehand, more than likely on that night as I can tell you he confessed to much worse, but I was in such a state I wasn't really caring and it ended with him logging out from anger. When my own blew over I sent him another message explaining why I had reacted so poorly (see journal entry "Call Me Crazy" for why) and that in truth the issue was not that he had a child but that I honestly believed we had gone so long without proper contact we got out of the loop with one another and lost our connection. Tuesday morning he responded and we talked it out very calmly (I had been anticipating a break up because literally twice in one month I have blown up on him regardless of whether or not I had every right to do so) and I asked more about his son because I figured if I was going to stay in the relationship I needed to know something about the kid and if he would be an active factor.
What I learned I think has changed my perception of this relationship and increased my respect for this man.
I had already been made aware that 5 years ago he had a massive break up that had caused him to call his mother and ask her why she had bothered to let him live instead of aborting him. It ended with his mom driving from her house to his (this was back when he still lived in Georgia) and she slapped him when he answered the door and walked off. I was never given anymore details on what happened but I have a theory the breakup was with this particular ex and I can see why he would react so badly, not only was he being dumped but he was losing his child. Anyway, the bigger explanation of the weekend situation was his son turned 7 on the 13th, last Friday, and he got to have him for the weekend to take him to Disneyworld. This was the first time in two years he'd been allowed to see him. The child is mixed race but is so much so that he can be mistaken for white if you don't take into account his nose shape. Hattie refers to him as a "mini Harry Potter".
There are a lot of men that, if they haven't invested in marriage with a woman, will want nothing to do with their child or are content with just shelling out a portion of their paycheck a month for child support. He honestly wants to be an active parent in the child's life but the woman is a nutjob in the highest sense of the word (even if spellcheck refuses to accept it as a word) and so he's denied that. It makes all the conversations we've had about children have more sense now. The subject was always discussed, he made no point in hiding the fact he wants a family with me and really I can see why. It's one thing, I think, to say you want a family and to be a dad, it's another when you are one and can't be despite wanting to.
The thing I fear, and this may just be silly nonsense, is if/when we're married, I'll technically be a stepmother. That's honestly one role I thought I'd never fill even though I was sure I'd never date to begin with. If the child isn't allowed to be around often it's not so much a matter of walking that parental boundary line but more of would the mom use our relationship to further distance the two from each other? Perhaps that's thinking a little too far ahead or out in left field, but I've seen such a situation happen so many times that there is the fear of possibility.
It really changes how I view this relationship not out of shock value or "why wasn't I told sooner, what else is he hiding", but more along the lines of there is always something to learn no matter how long you've known someone and there is always some test to be had to see whether you can truthfully bear possible weight or need to bow out. Talking with him yesterday, hearing the pride in his voice even though it was all text, and having him support me at the same time (he talked out a lot of my issues and was very supportive of my decision regarding college because I had done my research and wasn't just quitting because I could) made me very happy and reminded me just why I continue to fight.
Stepmom. Heh...
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But Our Life's Made Up From Choices (Some Without Appeal)
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You yourself were a witness to my little mini rant yesterday although it might not have come off as that, that's pretty much what it was. My SO told me something I didn't particularly like [perhaps furthering his education and delaying our plans] and I got highly upset and was ready if need be to end things in December. Today, I feel much calmer and of course, I'll deal with things as they come, but today, us ending seems impossible no matter what.
I think this place is good for venting though. It's what I like about it.
I've been spending about 90% of time in front of the computer lately too unfortunately. I finished my last exam this past Saturday and all this time on my hands is driving me crazy! Hopefully, I find a job soon or get some hobbies or a life..any of that will work.
I did read your latest blog about your change in decision and while I didn't reply I was both mildly surprised and glad to see that you did give it further thought and considered your options still despite any support or otherwise for your previous decision. That's how I am, it's how people are all the time here, we rant and make some decision whether it's rash or thought out and chances are a day or two later we recant what we decided on or have chilled out.
I always calm down sooner or later. Just a lot sooner this time! It will be horrible if we can't close the distance in December, but we'll work something out.