It started out okay, I guess. Wednesday I was held up late at work, which means I missed church. This was the first time I was going to try and go on a Wednesday, normally I don't even bother to try because I know I won't ever make it. And then yesterday I was going to go to a concert with people, but I called and checked to see if there were any tickets left, and they were sold out (no surprise). I tried to get people to tell me yes or no about two weeks ago, and no one did. "We'll just buy our tickets at the door". And so I asked, "Would you be willing to risk standing around and not getting in?" Overwhelming response was "No". And so I didn't go, because I'm a pansy and didn't want to go by myself.

My FFIL & I were texting a bit, and he said he thinks I'm mildly depressed, because I don't care that I didn't go last night. I'm not passionate about anything, which is honestly annoying to me. It's not like I don't get excited or I'm not ever happy... I just.. I don't have the NEED to do things. I could go either way, which usually means I end up not doing it. I told Nix what his dad said, and he agreed with his assessment. I asked why they think this, and I haven't gotten a response from either of them.

Don't get me wrong, I know that apathy is one of the first signs of depression. Apathy and removing myself from social situations. But I'm still going to church. I'm still more than willing to help out and interact with people and do more than just sit in a row at church. I'm excited about wedding dress shopping and working on stuff for our wedding and putting together the pile of Christmas cards and finding stuff to send to his family for Christmas.

So because it's been a rough week and I just gave up on going to the concert, that makes me mildly depressed? I don't know. I don't really know what to think any more. I know that I'm not happy at my job. A friend on facebook just moved and started a new job. She's posting about how it's awesome and even though she's exhausted she can't wait to go to work the next day, and wonders if this is what it's like to love her job. That. Why can't I have that? Why can't I be excited to go to work the next day? Arg.

I keep thinking about going back to school, getting a Masters or PhD in Education, and ultimately being a professor at my alma mater. But a Masters could take 2 years, and a PhD could take another 4 years. Do I really want to do another 6 years of schooling? How would we support our family? I want to have kids in the next 6 years... and I just don't know how I would be able to handle having a baby and working on my last year of school. We can't have a family on what he's making... Or do I say too bad for me, stay here and then he can transfer to be near where I am, and then we make a life wherever this company sends us? I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. I don't know if pursuing graduate school is worth it, or if it's even a smart decision.

I don't think I'm looking for responses, I just really needed to vent and put this out somewhere, because I'm tired of always complaining to Nix. Because I'm tired of him thinking I'm depressed. But I don't know, maybe I am?