Yea, don't believe that. Or, okay, believe it, but tone it down a bit. Because honestly, if you don't, you'll end up like where I was the other night, seriously doubting whether or not I even wanted to go through with the wedding. Yep. My first real round of cold feet, and it hit hard. To "validate" my insanity: I'm working 50-60 hours a week, wedding planning, job hunting, wedding DIY projects (I know that one is entirely my own fault), and dealing with my family's crazy (see one of my previous blogs, in case you don't understand...).
I also should blame myself for the crazy because I figured out an estimate of how much Nix & I have talked since I saw him last. I'm not kidding it was about 3, maybe 3.5 hours, over a three week span. Um. Yea. No wonder I was missing him a bit more than normal. He's been crazy busy at both of his jobs, and I haven't been the most flexible with my schedule either.
My breakdown stemmed from the thought: "marriage doesn't change the relationship or solve any problems we're having now". I know it doesn't. And that thought absolutely terrifies me. Immediately after thinking this the attack of the "what if's" & other questions started. Which, to be honest, sent me over the edge. What if it doesn't change? What if he keeps working at ON? What if our schedules continue to remain pretty much polar opposites? What if we can't close the distance before we get married? When will we close the distance after we get married? How will that work, logistically speaking? How will we move in together after the honeymoon, if we're going to live somewhere else? Should we shorten the honeymoon so we can have some days at home before we have to go back to work? Should we even go on the honeymoon? Are we really ready for this? Should we even be getting married?
That last question... that's really what did me in. I mean, really. We don't know when we'll see each other again. We don't have a plan to close the distance, and we're planning this wedding for October. How the heck is this going to work out? How the heck am I going to deal with him and be okay with this crazy schedule crap after we're married?
I thought about it, though, and the thought of NOT marrying Nix made me want to vomit. Okay, it still makes me want to be sick. I also was able to talk to one of my girls after Nix went to bed after my crazy breakdown, which helped a ton. I knew there was a reason I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She doesn't think I'm completely nutso.
Also: apologies to loveknowsnodistance27 & firefly. I kind of flipped out on them in our ongoing chat. Sorry, girls. I was in way over my head and took it out on you. 
But I'm doing all this planning for a wedding... and he's not really helping. I mentioned all of this to him when we finally talked. He said if I give him things to do, he'll help out. So I'm trying to find things he can do to help me out with, like exploring hotel options near the airport so we don't have to spend another $$$$ on one last night at the Disney resort. So, that helps. Because the amount of money the honeymoon is going to cost us is just overwhelming. And adding that additional day just was like, ummmmmmmm..... what? I added it for now, and we can call them back and shorten it as necessary. I'm currently trying to convince him that we only need to spend 1 day at Harry Potter World, not two. I mean, I love Harry Potter, but everything I've seen says you can go through the entire park in about 3 hours. Yea, we could go to the rest of Islands of Adventure, but neither one of us are really big on roller coasters...
If we trim that one day out, we could save ourselves a boatload (one more day in the resort + theme park ticket + food + souvenirs). That could be put towards, I don't know, a new-to-us car that he needs extremely badly. (I hate his car right now. The floor is always moist and so it stinks and you know how on older cars sometimes the fabric on the roof kind of caves in on you? His did that... and then it just started peeling apart. It's just... well, we need to get a newer car. He agrees.)
So after talking to him, and realizing that I'm not absolutely insane for having the crazy thoughts (and being informed that most of the time the cold feet are set off because of stress, and that you can't really "prevent" it from happening, and there is no real "cure") I'm better. Talking to M helped a ton - she's always been around for me when I'm in a pit and I do the same for her. We haven't lived near each other since we graduated high school, but we've made efforts to visit each other a few times since then.
To recap: cold feet happen. The best way to help ease them? Talk to a good friend, and talk to him. She talked me down from my crazy, he helped cement that I was in fact, just going a little crazy from the stress. So I think I'm going to order the last invite sample, and then take a break from the wedding planning for a week or two. I still need to talk to my mom about the whole aisle fiasco, which probably isn't helping anything.
I've figured out my "stance" on it, though. It's not happening. Dad is walking me down the aisle. That's it. I am sorry she will be sad, so I will ask her if there's something else she'd like to help out with/do. She can (and I will ask her to) say something at the rehearsal dinner and the reception. If I have to, I'll pull out the "we're having a traditional wedding" card (the same one my sister and Mom both like to pull on me when I'm doing something they think is "weird"). I still have no freaking clue why she ever thought I wanted her to walk down the aisle with me and Dad.
Side note: as I've gotten older, Dad & I have had more "heart to hearts" than Mom & I have. We manage to find moments of time when we're in the same place - even if it's just 2 or 3 minutes - and talk. Like when I was in CA last weekend, I managed to be alone with him for a few minutes during the party. I admitted that I'm nervous about getting married. "Me too." I don't remember much else of the brief conversation, but that's okay. I remember I felt better after talking to him, and that's the important part.
Anyway. I'm a million times better now. I'm partially writing this for me - because I know the cold feet will come back again, and I want to be able to come back and read how I handled the first case. Just gotta remind myself to breathe, and it will be okay.
23: It's not that not living together would invalidate the marriage. Nix & I agreed, before we were engaged, that once we were married, we wouldn't do this LD thing anymore. Apart from business trips/visits to family, we're not going to deal with LD. We have a few plans set up, just in case I don't find a job near him soon. Looks like Plan B will be going into effect, which, honestly, is hard to stomach. Plan B probably will mean a few days, possibly a week, after the honeymoon where he would have to return home to pack up his stuff and I would go back to "our" apartment & to my job.
Things will work out, I know it!