The two I put are that 1) no one outside of our immediate families will come and 2) I will have to juggle the wedding and a funeral at the same time. (My Papa is sick and the cancer has spread to his brain. I'm trying to prepare myself and stuff. I'm staying positive, but, well. He's 85 and his lung cancer is now apparently in his brain too.)
Anyway, I was thinking about it last night and realized I do have one more fear about the wedding. And it sucks because I'm pretty sure I already know what kind of response I'm going to get about this. But... I'm going to say it anyway. I'm afraid that Nix & I won't have sex on our wedding night. Not that it will be bad (I'm setting the bar low.) but that it just won't happen. I hear so many stories from married ladies that they were just too tired to do it, so they just fell asleep when they got to their hotel room.
The response I am kind of expecting to hear? "You shouldn't be worried about that. It's not a big deal if you don't do it on your wedding night." Maybe not for you, since you actually push for pre-marital sex. But.... we're choosing to wait until we're married. So it's a big deal. It's a big deal because it's a religious thing, for us. Yea, I know, crazy that sex is religious. I won't get into all of that, because I know not everyone believes what I do - which is definitely not a big deal to me. (I love you guys no matter what.
)Well and then my problem right now is I don't even know how to tell Nix. I mean, I guess for now, I won't. And when I say "for now" I mean until I see him next. Partly because he's been so swamped we were only able to talk for a few minutes on Tuesday evening, but beyond that, I've barely heard anything from him this week. Except for, you know, him to tell me "I almost died the last time I did a Wednesday night shift". Um. WHAT?! I'm sorry, WHAT?! You can't very well tell me you almost died and then not tell me anything else about it, sir! So I texted him this morning, "You're going to have to explain your email. (Why you almost died on Wednesday, I mean.) You can't say that and then not tell me what happened." It's still early, so I haven't gotten a response yet. I don't know if I'll get one today, I have no idea when he's working. I asked him on Tuesday to text me a copy of his schedule for this week and I never got that text.... sigh. On the bright side he forwarded me his schedule for this coming week, which spurred the whole "almost died on Wednesday" thing.......... The little.... *sigh*
So on a completely unrelated topic... I'm struggling with my decision not to talk to R. I know it's in my best interest not to talk to him. But for some reason, I still want to talk to him. I know I am happier not talking to him. I know I am less angry not talking to him. I know it was a good decision, especially since 3 separate people were telling me I shouldn't talk to him. But it's still hard. It's been over a month since I talked to him. And yet, I don't know. I can't explain why I want to talk to him. It's not like we were really that good of friends. I guess now I'm just realized that I only talk to like, 4 people on an almost daily basis. Nix, my mom, my FFIL, and this friend from college, P. I talk to M and M often too, but it's more like, a few times a week. So, okay, I guess it's like, 6 people. (And then you guys, but I'm only counting people I know IRL for the moment.)
I shouldn't be whining about this, I know it's stupid. But... I guess here's the thing. I'm an extrovert. I need people. Like, actually... physically here... people. Maybe that's why this is so hard for me. I have my coworkers, but I'm not going to hang out with them outside of work. My church friends, but I only see them on Sundays because they won't ever hang out with me when I invite them to do things. But beyond that, I'm pretty much alone. I know, I know, "go out and meet people"! But what's the point? I'm just going to be moving again in a few months. I don't want to get more attached to people here, that just makes it harder for me when I do have to leave. Let's face it: me moving away from here is inevitable. I just have no idea where I'll be going next.
Well, okay, that's not completely true. There's a major speculation that one of my coworkers and I talked about a few days ago. California. Specifically, near Sacramento. Which would just not go over well with Nix at all. I'm a little concerned about what will happen if they tell me "California"... plus then it means I'll have to fly to Indiana in October and ship all of the wedding stuff and then... Well, I just need to not think about it because the possibility of California adds a TON of stress to my life. Not to mention the cost of living there is like... 150% more than where I live now, and I know they won't give me 150% of my salary if I do have to move there. So I just... yea. I need to stop that, because it just isn't good for anyone.
So. Yea. I guess I should go make some phone calls and what-not for work.
That should easily leave you with the two minutes you'll need!